Struggles

We’re doing well right now… mostly feeling strong at the same time as doing hard things.

My generation… the first with social media… has taught itself that we can do everything, be everything, succeed in anything, and a lot of other “be beautiful and awesome” mantras. That’s all well and good, except that we’ve also believed that we are failing as individuals if we don’t succeed in everything and are not filling every possible role (working/mothering/traveling/etc.) and doing it with style and flair. Keeping up with the Joneses has evolved from trying to keep the lawn mowed as nice as the neighbor to having nicer cars, cleaner houses, better dressed kids, higher income, more vacations/classes/outings for the kids, and always being the well-behaved, put-together and happy person.

That’s an impossible standard to keep. We are not always happy and life has never guaranteed constant success.

Funny that it’s taken me 35 years to have that sink in far enough that it means something to me. I do not have to feel guilty about having a wide range of emotions, positive and negative. I am not a failure if I am not always poised, informed and articulate. I can just be me. Just ME. What a novel idea. Those of you reading from other generations might know what I’m talking about or you might think that these are foreign concepts… and maybe it’s just that I naturally gravitate toward perfectionism, but this has been a big deal for me.

Oh, I also have been thinking about strength. Because, I KNOW that I’ve been doing “bodybuilding” in terms of emotional stamina, mental soundness and worldview integrity. It’s been sweat and tears to experience lots of hard things… and things get harder… and we continue to get stronger. And sometimes we injure out or fatigue. And sometimes we have big battles. It can be anything for you – for me, it’s being away from home and husband, navigating physicians and treatment plans, mentally and emotionally supporting my children through pain and fear, missing sleep sometimes, and managing a household while completely drained.

A warrior is trained. A soldier completes physically strengthening exercises. Practice, stress, training, enduring, preparing.

And then it’s time for a battle.

And it is STILL HARD.

It’s okay that my life is hard. I am as equipped as we’ve been able to become. As trained and creative and strong and prepared as possible.

And it’s still HARD.

I still get too tired and I still make mistakes and I still don’t always have confidence in my decisions. I get scared and I get discouraged. And sometimes I give up. But… we get up again.

Life.

I’m learning.

And on a day when I feel both strong and tired… well, I just wanted to write myself this pep talk for later.

Daniel’s first serious round of medical treatment is imminent. I’m stretching and warming up over here. Calling all my team together and preparing. We can do this.