How to hold a screaming baby

I have an almost 3 year old and a 3 month old. I’ve had lots of experience holding screaming babies. I’m not going to tell you how to sooth a screaming baby, I don’t know how to do that. I’m going to tell you how to survive, because I know how to do that. At least so far….

Step 0. Try everything. Change the diaper, feed them, bathe them, burp them, hand off to mom, grandma, whatever. Sometimes you’ve tried everything and you just don’t know what the baby needs. When all else fails, dad takes over.

Step 1. Calm down

Not the baby, you. You calm down. It may take 5 seconds or it may take 5 hours but the baby will stop crying and you are going to hold them, try to help them, and survive. Remember there is nothing you can do that will make them stop crying now. Babies are like death, they don’t make bargains. I tried telling my girls I’d buy them a car for their 16th birthday if they stopped crying. It didn’t work. You just have to wait them out.

Step 2. Pick up the baby. Support her head. Hold her on her side with her face towards the crook of your arm and slightly upright, like a football. If that doesn’t work because she’s thrashing like a prize fish try something else. Try to get a comfortable position. It probably won’t work.

Step 3. Lightly bounce the baby. Babies seem to like this. I don’t know why. I would never fall asleep while bouncing.

Step 4. Walk slowly with a John Wayne swagger. The swagger gets a little swaying motion going. It helps too. Again I don’t know why.

Step 5. Concentrate on your breathing. Try to slow your breaths and heart rate until you enter a zen-like meditative state. Your chest rises and falls with the slow ancient rhythms of the earth. Your feet fall in time with the endless plodding fathers before you. The baby’s screams pass through you but cannot touch your inner peace.

Did I mention ear plugs help? They say babies can be as loud as a chainsaw. Frankly, I think either of my girls could beat a Stil in a shouting match any day.

Step 6. Keep it up. Despite violating the laws of conservation of mass babies do not have infinite energy, they will tire out eventually. The gas will pass, the acid reflux will subside, the tooth will teeth, or the colic will frolic away. Just remember as bad as it seems right now it’s still probably easier than it will be when they are teenagers.

Seriously, picking something soothing like holding her in football hold and lightly bouncing while walking, or just walking, is about the best thing you can do to soothe an overtired baby. I’ve been told by experts that you need to pick something simple and be consistent with it for at least 20 minutes to soothe a baby. With my first it took more like an hour, with my second it’s like 5-10 minutes. Having backup helps a ton. (I’m so glad I have Rachel, I don’t know how she does it during the day.) So does mentally preparing myself like this, “Alright, I’m just going to hold her until she wears herself out, because that’s the best I can do.”

And it is amazing. That horrible screaming creature that is stabbing you in the chest with it’s cries of bloody murder and twisting your insides tighter and tighter will suddenly turn into an angelic sleeping child and melt your heart into a little pool of melted… um whatever hearts melt into. And all that pacing and breathing and bouncing is suddenly… well I wouldn’t say it’s worth it because why didn’t she just go to sleep in the first place like a normal person?! But there is the compensation of seeing her at rest. And there is no comparison to the feeling of holding your sleeping baby and knowing she is your own.