Dreamseekers and Company

This is after rocking him off and on for four hours... he finally fell into a deep sleep. I read almost all afternoon.

On Thursday, Jordan started to melt down emotionally around 5:30pm. Nothing was working (diaper, food, playing) so I rocked him and he fell asleep. He slept all night more or less.

On Saturday, I woke up knowing he’d been awake some the night before. Not talking, not sitting up, just rocking himself on his hands and knees like he does when he’s falling asleep. I really don’t know how much he was awake, but for half an hour at least, while I was getting Maggie back to sleep. We had a fun morning and Jordan played and all was well. At 1pm, Jordan was upset again. He rocked to sleep in less than five minutes, a new record.

Then he proceeded to sleep restlessly, alternately crying and sleeping until bedtime. He fell more deeply asleep around dinnertime. We managed to get him to eat a tiny bit, but he just wanted to sleep… although something was upsetting him. (odd thing: he didn’t suck his fingers at all during this whole time! He always sucks his fingers when going to sleep.)

Things that crossed my mind:

* Does he have gas? (never passed any)
* Is his stomach upset? (his diapers are still normal)
* Is he experiencing emotions related to the adoption – related to figuring out he’s here for good? (hard to say, really)
* Is he tired from staying up too much at night? (in that case, he may wake up in the middle of the night rested)
* Is he tired from sleep apnea or some other such sleep interruption? (he doesn’t demonstrate any apnea at all while rocking him)
* Is he coming down with a bug? (no fever, just a little runny nose)
* Is he having a growth spurt? (don’t know)
* Is he teething? (might be – but wow, falling asleep at 1pm and staying upset and not hungry for a long time is a pretty severe reaction!)

So, did he sleep all night? Yes! He slept from 1pm until 7:30am the next morning. He woke up crying frequently between 1pm and 5pm, but only woke up briefly in the night and stayed quiet. He was groggy this morning, but seemed chipper and happy by mid-morning. He’s eating pretty normally, a little light.

Now.

He is napping. 2 hours and going strong.

You know, yesterday when I was rocking him and he was struggling and crying and I was unable to console or comfort him, I could have been really stressed out. Ok, so we were fairly stressed and not as patient as usual with the girls. But while I was sitting there feeling insufficient and wondering what in the world I should do, I had the very real comfort of it not being a new sensation. We felt this way with Anna when she was colicky for the first 3-4 months and that was hard. We felt that way some with Maggie. And we regularly and often don’t know what we’re supposed to do as parents. So I sat there with Jordan. And I rocked him. And I didn’t worry so much that I didn’t know what to do. What a beautiful thing perspective is. “This too will pass,” I thought, and I expect that I’ll learn from it.

Later that evening when Jordan was resting peacefully (instead of restlessly) and we were cleaning up dinner and getting the girls ready for bed, I considered that there was nothing I would rather have been doing than rocking my son and being with him as he struggled. I grieve, as I look at him and study his face and hands and get to know him… I grieve the time we had apart. I grieve that he was not held and loved as he should have been and that his uprooting has been so harsh to our home. I try to imagine what he would have looked like as a newborn, how tiny he had been. My arms ache for not holding him then and my resolve grows thicker and stronger to protect him, like heavy beams of wood and iron bands. I’ve never felt this protective of a child before… but then, I’ve never needed to before.

Mommy loves her son.

Thank you Lord, for bringing Jordan home to us. Thank you for blessing us with his life and entrusting him to us. Thank you for never leaving his side. I rejoice that you have a perfect plan for his life. And for ours. Lead us. Guide us. And help us to be better parents. Strengthen our marriage and bless our family. Bless others through our family. I have prayed since before we knew who Jordan was that his story would touch the lives of others. I still pray that.