This is Brian writing today. You can tell because there are no pictures. 🙂
I’m not trying to start a parenting style flame war. I don’t think attachment parenting is 100% right and I don’t think cry it out is 100% wrong. I just wanted to share some the thoughts I’ve had on caring for babies. Maybe someone will be encouraged by this, maybe some of this will be a good reminder for me when Jordan comes home.
I was thinking about what it was like to go from carefree newly weds to first time parents. It’s a bit of shock. As some of you know we had a tough time with our first. We still don’t know exactly what the deal was but she cried a lot. We had no idea what we were doing. People said she had colic, maybe she had acid reflux; I don’t know. The hardest part of it was how inconsolable she was. We tried swaddling, rocking, all sort of things. We weren’t sleeping and we were afraid the rest of our lives were going to be ruled by this irrational, emotional little person. In the shock and fog of it all I think we missed out on some of the bonding time we could have had with her. We survived and I think it went ok, but I wish we had spent more time trying to comfort her instead of being frustrated that nothing was working and letting her cry on her own.
Our second baby was completely different. We were more prepared for the shock of a baby, the way they need so much constant attention. And what we tried worked a lot more often with her. Maybe because we had some experience, although more likely she was just an easier kid. She didn’t sleep through the night as early as Anna and we kept going to her because we knew that the baby years (months really) don’t last very long before they don’t need you every night. Those nights were a chance to love her that we didn’t want to miss. Many of Maggie’s naps for the first year were in my arms sitting in the easy chair while I read or played computer games. I couldn’t get up or do anything else but I don’t regret a second I spent holding her or the time I spent walking up and down the hall trying to get her to fall asleep while she screamed. Looking back I don’t regret those sleepless nights spent with either of my daughters. I will never be able to fulfill so many of their needs because they will never again be so dependent on me.
In complete honesty the bulk of the sleeplessness fell on Rachel. She is one who got up for midnight feedings for a full year. (Rachel interjecting: Maggie nursed every 2 hours around the clock until she was 10 months old 😉) Many times she wondered aloud if she is ever going to sleep through the night again. But here we are both sleeping through the night. And I don’t think she would change the way she did it with Maggie. (Wouldn’t have missed a moment!)
The difference for me is this: when we had Anna I thought her cries and screams were her saying, “You don’t know what you are doing! You are a horrible daddy!” When Maggie was born what I realized both of them meant when they cried was, “I’m scared, I’m cold, I’m hungry, I’m lonely, and I need you.” So my decision was to try to give her as much as I could. Babies just soak up your time and energy like you wouldn’t believe. But then all of sudden they got older and a little bit more independent and you realize it’s over. They will never again demand so much of you. Well maybe they will, I haven’t had teenagers yet. A family is one of God’s most beautiful creations and my children are worth the investment of as much time and energy and love as I can give them.
My advice for new parents (and for myself with Jordan coming home) is to try to enjoy what God is doing in you: making you a parent. I don’t deal with suffering well. But looking back, I see that most of what I thought was mindless suffering was God making us into parents. Those times could have been blessings if I had just let go of what I wanted and taken what God was trying to give me.
