Please keep in mind that we consider James and Jordan to be like sons, so tone your advice and questions accordingly.
Throughout Scripture, I see a tension. There are many times in Scripture, where we are instructed to seek counsel (Proverbs is loaded with this advice). There are also many times in Scripture where we see people obeying God’s commands without asking counsel first, often doing things that many would have counseled them against (Abraham leaving his home, Noah building an ark, anybody commended for their faith). So what are we to do? As we have decided to adopt, we have both sought counsel and moved to action in response to God’s commands.
God’s command: The Scriptures clearly communicate God’s heart for the orphan. And God definitely intends His Church to care for orphans. Isaiah 1:17 says, “… Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.†Matthew 25:35 says, “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in.”
In light of these commands, the question of course was, did He intend us personally to adopt and if He did, then was now the time? How were we to tell? And what about all the details, like a particular country, a particular child and so on… how do we know God’s will about little things like that? The first thing we did was to seek counsel. We wanted to answer the question, “Is there a godly reason we should NOT obey God’s command through adopting at this time.†There are many other ways to support orphans and widows, but we have always been particularly drawn towards adoption.
Take note of the list of people we sought counsel with. We believe anybody would also respect these people. We spoke in detail with:
• Our pastor
• Our elders (including the family counselor at our church)
• Our parents
• Many friends whom we respect
• And many families who have experience with special needs and with adopting with other young children at home.
If we didn’t speak with you in particular, it’s probably not because we wished to exclude you, but because we are blessed to have a wealth of Christian men and women who we can meet with. Now, although some people are 100% in support of us, most people were cautionary and a few are even against us adopting. As we sought counsel, we identified a number of challenges and risks that would need to be overcome if we were to proceed with adoption. Nothing is impossible with God, of course, but as we prayed and waited to hear Word from God, we continued in our human wisdom granted by God. Below I will show a list of challenges/risks and the response by which we overcame those barriers.
Challenges and risks addressed in a challenge/answer format:
• Risks to Anna and Maggie, when bringing in adopted children at this age: resentment of siblings, physical harm by siblings, lesser one on one time with us as parents, effect of special needs on girls.
o As with adding a child by birth, the displaced older children struggle with resentment and sharing. We believe this is a real parenting issue that we are active in addressing. We don’t believe this should prevent us from adopting or having more children.
o Physical harm by siblings: We chose to adopt younger children purposefully to minimalize this risk. This risk is nearly non-existant.
o We believe that the increased sibling relationships will help to balance the loss of one-on-one parent time. During their young years, children have high care and energy needs, that the kids are not able to meet with each other. These first few years will be the most strenuous on us as parents. We have met this challenge by doing two things. One, we have mentally and emotionally accepted that the next few years will be exhausting. Two, we have developed an extensive list of families and teenagers who we can call on for help. I want to add that we do not expect people to help us in every pinch. We know that we’re the parents and that this responsibility falls on us. Any and all help (both paid and unpaid) is a blessing.
o Finally, we have been told and told over again that children with special needs are a BLESSING to a Christian family, who learn so much about God through their children. We tend to bristle about suggestions that our sons are less worthy of a family or less of a joy or really less in any way! Unlike the stigma that people with special needs are a burden, we believe they are a blessing. They may require trips to doctors, our hearts may ache at the unkindness of others towards them, but they can and do become natural parts of a family unit.
• Expense of caring for special needs
o Brian’s health insurance through his employer is stellar. His job is also very secure as jobs go. The main expenses of caring for the special needs of our boys will be copayments for doctor and therapy visits. We are experienced with our budget and we can make ends meet.
• The effect of a sibling with special needs on our girls as adults: embarrassment, financial burden, having a sibling live with them
o Embarrassment: It is our goal to raise children who have a genuine love and respect for their siblings and any person with special needs. Their experiences with their friends and coworkers as they relate with their special needs siblings will build their character and be a testament of God’s love.
o Financial burden: We’ll do what we can to provide for our children with special needs long term. There is a chance that the financial burden will fall on a sibling sometime when they are all adults. It may not be the popular choice, but we believe our children ought to love each other in word and deed… including caring for each other financially if they have need.
o Living with siblings: Just like the above, we will have long-term plans in place, but if a sibling had a real need, we hope that our children will have the character to care for each other in love and deed.
• Affording the adoption expenses
o We can afford the up-front expenses with our savings. After the adoption is finalized, we will qualify for a tax refund that will repay most of our expenses and quickly refill our savings.
• Our housing situation
o We can fit into our house with four young children. But as they get older, we will no longer fit. We won’t be the first family to be snug in our homes. We hope to relocate soon after our adoption, but we’ll cross that bridge later.
• What if I became pregnant
o We are hoping that I do not get pregnant. It is possible that I do, despite taking preventative measures. In that situation, we’ll be relying on support network and doing lots of praying. Just like with all parenting, we’ll take it one day at a time.
• The physical and other demands of parenting a child with special needs: additional doctor visits and therapy visits, attachment-aware parenting
o Children with Down Syndrome, like with most children with special needs, are more like other children than they are dissimilar. We are located very close to doctors and therapists, making doctor visits as low-impact as possible. We will be purchasing a special stroller that will allow me to take all four children myself when I don’t use a babysitter. For the first few years, the effects of living in an orphanage will be greater than their challenges having Down Syndrome. We are aware and educated on parenting a child from an orphanage. We are more aware and educated than we were in typical parenting when I gave birth to Anna! We have a circle of friends whose children are adopted both with and without special needs to go to for parenting support and advice. For those who are reading this who are more aware of attachment and other adoption-related issues, you know that transitioning to family life will be a much bigger thing than issues related to Down Syndrome.
• Fatigue and stress of parenting four young children
o We only feel we can do this for two reasons. One, we believe we are called to “live beyond ourselves,” that is, to live in the power of God’s Spirit. Adopting two children will likely be more difficult than we have the power to be victorious in. But nothing is impossible for God. More on this in a separate post. And two, we have a strong support network who can come alongside us.
• How will this impact the Kingdom of God – can someone with special needs serve God?
o One of the greatest impacts for the Kingdom I have ever seen was by a baby born without a brain who lived with her adoptive family for less than three months before she went to her Father. Countless people believed and recommitted their lives to God by the life of this child. I cannot measure the impact on God’s Kingdom by the ability of a person.
After careful evaluation, we did not see anything that should prevent us from caring for orphans by adopting. We feel like our “path†was more clearly defined by working through the challenges (eg. It seemed wisest to adopt a child who is developmentally younger than the girls). We know that other people might make completely different decisions in our shoes! However, we feel confident in our decision and hope others will respect that we are doing what we think is right and best. I want it to be clear that we did not disregard counsel.
God has faithfully directed our steps through what feels like a minefield. I know that many people don’t think that God speaks to His children directly, at least not in this day and age. But through the Spirit we have felt spiritual guidance throughout this entire process. For example, when we wanted to adopt a second child a few months ago, we felt a “hold†in our spirit. When we told God in prayer what situation would be ideal (and impossible) for adopting a second child, he brought that second child along. Throughout, we have claimed his peace, the loss of which speaks to our spirits that we are outside of God’s will for us. We have, within our own personal experience, a small growth in the fruit of the Spirit, praise God! We long for God’s perfecting work in us, growing us in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Certainly, God has his work cut out for Himself!
We don’t want to stifle conversation about this. I hope, though, that you can respect our decision and support us. We hope that when you say you think we are wrong or that you think we’re making unwise choices, that you allow that there is the possibility that we might be right! And we hope many who read this are all for our adoption. And we hope even more that our lives will be an encouragement to others to trust God and really live!
Rachel
p.s. On a totally different subject, our family may or may not be done growing. We know many people disagree with “large familiesâ€â€¦ we did ourselves once upon a time! But if you are close to us, you would do well to prepare your heart for our family to grow even larger some years down the road.
