We are very blessed to have good friends and loving family who are willing to share their own wisdom with us and voice their concerns. Throughout this adoption process, we have talked in person and via email about a variety of concerns about adoption. And of course, Brian and I have spent a lot of time talking and praying over a number of issues as well. I typed up a longish email to a very loved person last night about whether the timing is right for our family to adopt right now and will adapt it for posting on the blog here.
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Thank you for your email. We are grateful to have friends and family who care enough about us to share their serious concerns. Because of you, we have the benefit of much more wisdom than we would have on our own. I will explain in more detail below, but your concerns are not new to us and after weighing all the facts, possibilities and risks, after a significant amount of prayer which is still continuing, and with a good deal of soul-searching as to our motivations, we believe we should go forward with adopting at this time.
I will explain some of our reasoning now… probably not very concisely! Nowhere in the explanation will I tell you that we are not doing something that has risk. Everything we do carries some amount of risk and adoption definitely carries risk… to us, to Anna and Maggie and to the child we adopt, not to mention the rest of our extended family. We do feel that the level of risk is acceptable.
* With regard to the concern about finances:
We are in a very good situation to afford adoption at this time, God willing. I don’t believe that all families that God calls to adopt are financially capable of paying for adoption fees… but instead, God calls a larger portion of His “body” the Church to bring home a fatherless child. I am grateful that at this time we don’t have to humble ourselves and ask for financial help. I don’t disagree that finances are very important to consider and that financial stability is important. Thankfully, Brian has a job that pays him higher than average and we expect to be able to pay all fees and provide for our child’s care as needed. We are not affluent, but we are currently in a good position.
* With regard to the possibility that I might become pregnant while caring for children with special needs and how difficult that would be:
I think this is also important to consider. Pregnancy and newborns take a large amount of physical energy and strength. So do newly adopted children, especially those with special needs. If I unintentionally become pregnant shortly after adopting, that would be very difficult. We hope I don’t. This is a risk we have accepted.
* With regard to your question about whether God spoke to us about adopting and if it’s His will.
We do feel like God spoke clearly to us that we should step forward to adopt at this time. Who and where were not very obvious and we spent four months doing extensive research on countries, special needs, adoption agencies and the like. We ran into several closed doors. We both felt strongly drawn towards adopting children who would have no hope otherwise, we both felt drawn towards children with special needs and we found many open doors that have led us to the path we are on today. Right now, we feel a peace about our plans and an optimism for our future. We are not infallible, but we do believe God has plans to bless us as we adopt. We have already been drawn together and had our marriage strengthened through this process.
* With regard to the effect that a special needs child will have on our children, Anna and Maggie.
We are also VERY concerned about our two young girls and how adoption is going to affect them. One of our greatest desires for our children is that they would love each other and love to bring each other joy. We don’t know if we will be successful, but that is our hope. Children with special needs have the great capacity to bless a family by teaching us what is truly important in life. Money, career and academic skills may be wonderful, but they are NOT what makes a person valuable to God. A loving, gracious, humble heart are precious to the Father…. no matter what package it comes in. It is our hope that Anna and Maggie will learn about what is truly important as we all love these new children who were born with physical imperfections greater than ours.
* With regard to how the care for a child with special needs would affect our girls.
As to whether caring for their physical needs will change our girls lives, yes, it will. Physical therapy and doctor appointments will be more frequent and their lives will be affected by this. We are grateful that we live close to town (and therefore close to appointments) so that the impact will be as little as possible. We hope that we will be able to learn how to do most of the physical therapy at home instead of attending appointments as frequently. We also will likely not go to every possible physical therapy that is offered. Quality of family life and love trump therapy opportunities. For a beautiful blog post about just this subject by an experienced family, click here: She Ain’t Heavy, Shes My Sister
* With regard to how adoption is going to affect us as parents:
I also want to address the effect that adoption will have on us as parents. Like giving birth, adoption will be exhausting, dirty, and at times frustrating. Difficulty bonding with adopted children means that it may also be pretty thankless. We are working on developing relationships with teen girls who can come be mothers helpers, we are working on developing relationships with therapists and doctors who will assist us, and we are also maintaining contact with other adoptive special-needs families who can offer practical advice and encouragement. Also like childbirth, children grown and change and some things will get easier and some will get harder. But in the end, it’s always worth it.
Finally, I just want to remind you that this adoption is not a healthy infant adoption. Healthy infant adoptions are absolutely essential and all orphans need a family! However, if we do not adopt these children, they will die of neglect or “best case” scenario, they will live in an asylum their whole lives, never knowing love, never experiencing hope. That knowledge becomes harder to bear once you look into their faces in photos or watch the little movie clips their caretakers take of them and you see a child, an actual person, languishing without hope. A family is trying to adopt a little girl from the same country as us. She is seven years old and weighs 10 pounds. She is dying from lack of love. A doctor would call it failure to thrive. She will never recover, but she should not die alone. Oh, the video of that little girl staring at the world and completely without hope breaks my heart.
For what it’s worth, I think that some people may disagree with us or at least think we are crazy, but I think that they’d be proud of us. It is ok if you are still uncomfortable with what we’re doing. We appreciate that you have experiences and wisdom that brings you to where you are and we respect that. We are so young and naive, but we believe that this “leap of faith” is worth taking and that God is with us.
All our love,
Rachel and Brian
