Dreamseekers and Company

Big news about Daniel today. I don’t know if he’ll continue this behavior or go backwards for awhile, but we made some progress with food!

Daniel has a feeding tube, because he’s scared of food. He has had enough choking and sputtering and force feeding for a few lifetimes. We didn’t blame him and he’s been thriving with a feeding tube. We’ve taken a gentle therapeutic approach to food and he’s made great strides. Some things he does now that he wouldn’t do before:

1. Hang out in the kitchen or dining room
2. Watch others eating
3. Play with food
4. Help cook
5. Hold his food that I’m feeding him through the tube
6. Smell food
7. Reflux his food immediately after eating in order to taste it and hold it in his mouth.
8. Smell and touch food held in a spoon

And the big one that came today…. he touched his tongue to a spoon with soup in it three times during a meal!!!! (I was feeding Jordan the same soup Daniel was about to eat and letting him smell the soup in the spoon… desensitizing his reflexive fear to the spoon… and asked if he wanted to touch his tongue to the spoon. And he did!!!!)

This kid is up 10 pounds from a year ago. That’s half again from his body weight of 19 pounds last year. He’s so much stronger. He’s learning how to navigate with his wheeelchair… both the practical bits with bumps and slopes when we go places, but also things like learning he’s supposed to stay near me, understanding instructions and reluctantly learning not to run into people and things. He’s walking so much stronger! He can walk sideways just leaning his hands on the wall… he’s so much steadier than he used to be. He seems to stand for longer than before too. I’m looking forward to finding and showing him videos of how other children with straight legs get from sitting to standing on their own. (Some people just can’t do it without help, but I’m prepping a few things to make it easier for him to learn. Such as watching videos of other people with similar bodies.)

It’s exciting times. The whole family deserves an update… each of my girls, Jordan, Brian and me. But I’m going to settle for this now. Proud of this little boy.

Here are some pictures!

Halloween:

You can’t tell that Anna is a Koala bear. But she was.

Ninjas run in the family. I decided we weren’t doing Halloween this year. Until 5pm on Halloween.

Look…. no ribs showing!

His back 6 months ago… maybe 5 pounds ago?

Holding and smelling a fruit! (And probably tapping it on his front teeth, because that’s what he does with most hard objects)

Awwwwwwwww. Daniel October 2017 in Bulgaria

I wanted to compare him laying on his back to what he looked like a year ago in Bulgaria. It’s a slightly different angle… but take a look at the edge of his ribcage and see if you can see the difference in his pectoral-to-shoulder area. Appropriate padding looks GOOD on him.

October 2017 – Heartbroken eyes and heartbreaking weakness. He easily wore size 24 month clothes and size 3 diaper. Size 6 diapers now and I wasn’t able to zip up a size 3T winter coat the other day.

Soooooo…… my children may have spent their money on stick-on mustaches at the dollar tree. I think they made good use of them. hehehe

Our pretty kitty, Boots.

Anna used hair gel to give Daniel a cute mohawk.

Remember this wan little face from October 2017 in Bulgaria?

Jordan is usually a happy kid when he hangs out by the space heater by my desk!

He did it!!!!

Another first! Daniel participated in some on-paper-desk-schoolwork!!!!! He colored and he did stickers! He tried to do what I told him and was proud of himself!

Carolyn was really excited about Daniel working at the desk when she noticed. He’s never been interested before!

Thanksgiving with Great Grandpa!

Playing a board game on Thanksgiving.

We got our Christmas tree today! These three kids were the primary decorators and it looks amazing!

I know my facebook friends have been enjoying living vicariously through my Christmas gift ideas posts. Or at least some of them are. The rest of you are all either Grinches or having a rough Christmas. Sorry!

Anyway, back to Christmas wish lists. Making lists of gift ideas and researching them online and planning is possibly my favorite part of Christmas. It’s why (if money allows) sometimes random people get random gifts for me. Because picking things out is SO MUCH FUN.

Now I have five children! Five wonderfully unique children with individual interests and wishes. And you know what I do? I don’t read their Christmas wish lists or dig through the catalogs that they carefully circle things in. It’s probably why we have a significant flop rate on our gifts. Because the dream of the gift is super important to me… and sometimes the follow through shows it was just a dream. But I dream on. Maybe I should dig through the catalogs. But… no. They circle things that I KNOW would fall flat and be discarded in less than an hour. At least the things we end up buying have the potential for months of engagement.

So Christmas.

We can’t do lots of things on the holidays, because our family lives with trauma and autism and stuff…. but we all enjoy preparing for the big day and eating too much and too many sweets. And the girls LOVE presents. Daniel might too. I’ll let you know. It’s his second Christmas with us and he’s a quick learner. Jordan likes hanging out with us and he likes the music and the candles and new toys.

Where was I?

Living vicariously. So I’ve been shopping for some really cool things. This year, our budget is $100 per child plus $5 for each stocking. We’ve tucked money away all year in order to do this freely. We also saved enough money for Brian to go on Daddy-daughter dates – one with each girl. Maybe a movie, maybe ice cream, maybe bowling… I don’t know what they’ll pick. It’s one on one and done during his time off from work near Christmas day.

We have so many cool ideas and so many interests between the kids! And the kids have limitations too and needs. So how to choose! That’s where I make long lists and then hang out online looking at the different ideas. And asking on facebook for input and experience.

So if you read this and then see us before Christmas – SHHHHHHHhhh!!!!

I got a metal detector! I’m so excited! I hope it doesn’t break quickly, because it was $30 on Black Friday and has lots of plastic parts.
And I’m getting some metal trinkets so that there is more to find out there… maybe I will gather some trinkets and coins into a cloth bag to bury. Ideally canvas or oiled leather or…. okay, I am getting carried away and dreaming of books I read where people find ancient pirate loot.

I’m shopping the hot wheels tracks for Daniel…. picking out one that should at least launch toys into the wall to a few squeals of glee.

I’m looking up cool survival stuff for Maggie and Carrie, who love playing outside in the woods. THey have some survival kits, so I was looking up survival food and lifestraws and things like that…. I might get some convenience foods since they’re cheaper than emergency or hiking food. Like oatmeal cups and ramen cups or tiny cereal boxes. I have more thinking to do here before anything is bought.

Craft or art supplies are definitely on the table. Music-playing electronics perhaps.

Okay – no more spoilers. DON”T TALK TO MY KIDS ABOUT THIS OR YOU WILL GET THUMPED ON THE HEAD WITH THE METAL DETECTOR. You’ve been warned.

Happy planning!

Sometimes I feel like I’m doing everything at once and I get stressed out.

Maggie took jack-o-lantern matters into her own hands when I wouldn’t buy pumpkins and made this awesome witch out of an overgrown garden zucchini!!!

I was helping the kids through homeschool and writing and addressing letters.
And
balancing the budget
making a new long term financial goal (3 years long anyway)
feeding and changing/toileting both boys
answering interminable questions
arguing with a company about a charge they shouldn’t have charged me
posting cute moments on facebook
figuring out weekend plans
learning about running form with the goal being sustainable running instead of injuring out like last year this time
emailing Daniel’s Bulgarian mom photos and videos and how he’s doing
finding, uploading, resizing those photos and videos
paying the credit card off for the month
trying to pay off Brian’s work credit card for this month’s work travel
contacting the guy who rents our shop because he paid the wrong amount for this month
paying our respite provider
watching funny facebook videos
rememberin to feed and water myself
helping a kid wipe up a spilled cup of tea
helping a kid decide what to have for lunch
responding to crying and fighting or arguing
admiring a cat sleeping on my bed

Now I am hoping that everybody is stable, because I want to crochet a washcloth and sit quietly.

I sometimes come to the end of the day with these thoughts in my head:
I didn’t get a shower AGAIN. How many days has it been? (self judgement)
I didn’t get out of the house at all today. (depressed)
I have so much to do and so many unfinished projects, how will I possibly be successful at anything!? (anxiety)
We didn’t do our core curriculum today and we’re already behind. (failure as a mom 1)
I told Carolyn we would make that jello cheesecake mix today and it’s still unopened. Again. (failure as a mom 2)
Daniel is wearing his tiny size 2 clothes today because all the rest of his size 3 clothes are in the laundry. (failure as a mom 3)
And so forth.
The girls have been bickering with each other so much lately. (failure as a mom 4)

The sometimes rocky path.

Today, with new optimism, I am practicing new thoughts in my head:
I was emotionally available and responsive to Jordan today! (self pride)
The changes we made to address his bad episodes the last few days helped and he hasn’t had an episode all day. (optimism)
I have managed the whole house and the kids all day and Brian’s working late… and so far, so good! (confidence)
I folded 7 loads of laundry today and put some of it away too! (I handle the boys’ laundry and the adult laundry) (success as a mom 1)
The girls did art and math today and I successfully helped a stressed child through a difficult lesson.(success as a mom 2)
I responded to multiple upsets and anger and worries within the hearts of my kids today, some of them serious, many of them interrupting me. (success as a mom 3)
I considered Christmas gift ideas seriously for the first time this year and researched lots of cool homemade gift ideas. (self care)
I signed and returned a form for Jordan’s health insurance, including figuring out how to fax something using the internet. (self pride)
I straightened up my desk and bedroo0m a little! (self care)
I have been reasonable with Daniel even when he was unreasonable today! (success as a mom 4)
I was able to get Daniel to nap this afternoon! (success as a mom 5)
The girls have been helpful and creative today! (success as a mom 6)

I’m doing a good job. I can do this. God didn’t lead us here to abandon us. His plans are good.

2.5 hours until Brian’s home (after kids’ bedtime) and then he works again tomorrow… but normal hours. (deep breath)
Things are not perfect. But that doesn’t mean failure. Thank you, God, for letting my heart hear that.

From my long walk this morning.

I try to journal and share balanced and honest things in this blog of mine. But I need to do something a little different right now. I need to ride a wave of encouragement given to me as a gift from my friend and talk about successes.

I’ve been struggling behind/under a weight of anxiety and depression 70% of the time the last several months… maybe longer. There are a lot of thought patterns that have taken root… some noticed and others without me being aware.

Things like:
I’m not a good parent.
I’m not doing a good job.
Because
I lost my temper.
I wasn’t patient.
I didn’t keep up with chores.
I didn’t keep up with social correspondences.
I can’t understand all the medical information.
I don’t know what to do sometimes.
I am not sure how to respond to different diagnoses.
The kids eat dinner in front of the tv frequently.
I can’t participate with the family after about 6pm most evenings.
The yard’s a mess.
My kid’s don’t have much social time.
My kids are picky eaters.
My boys are struggling.
And on and on.

My friend said some things today that touched me deeply. And there was some pain in the receiving. Analyze that all you want, but she said things like:
You’re doing a good job.
You did petri dishes and grew germs in homeschool.
You’re doing an amazing job with Daniel.
…
…
..
.
And now I’m crying again.

I’m so scared that that voice might be right. That doesn’t make any sense! I’m so certain that the dark voice is right. I made peace with the dark voice. I told it, “You may be right, but I’m not giving up anyway.” I can do that. I’ve been doing that. I’m chasing God’s perfect will for our lives sacrificially. I’m all in – I’ve given everything I am to raising this family and nurturing these boys. And somehow it’s easier for me to believe that I’ve messed it up.

So I’m sitting down at my computer in my cozy bedroom with sunshine and children’s laughter coming through the window. And I’m pushing through this wall of dark to claim and command some good things. I’m just going to start thinking and naming and claiming some good things. For me. Because I deserve it. Because God wants good things for me. Because He likes me. And he’s never rejected me. Or abandoned me.

I am a good mom.
I’m not failing.
My kids are doing well.
I am trustworthy.
I am smart.
I am educated too.
My girls know that they are loved and supported.
My boys have been shown that they are loved unconditionally.
I have navigated Daniel’s medical issues with flying colors.
No, Rachel, everything does not have to be figured out.
I am Jordan’s best, most committed mother in the whole world.
I have modified our home and family to help Jordan thrive.
I have not abandoned him when he’s pushed us away.
Jordan is able to eat a meal together with our family, without a feeding tube, thanks to my dedication.
Daniel has food preferences instead of 100% pediasure – thanks to my advocacy, determination and hard work.
Daniel’s raging means that he’s learning to care for me and does NOT mean that he hates me.
My girls are academically on par or advanced.
My girls are generally socially aware and kind and have multiple social outlets.
We grew rock crystals and we grew bacteria successfully in addition to regular schoolwork.
I took four of the children to swimming lessons for six weeks (once a week) and even Daniel was able to participate, because I advocated for him and because I became his private teacher in the water so that he could join his peers and siblings in swim lessons.
I mow our lawn on a pretty regular basis and it’s multiple acres large and full of holes that the dogs dug!
I am navigating an open adoption relationship with Daniel’s Bulgarian mother.
I have developed skill and competence in navigating tools for the depression and anxiety I experience.
Brian made it possible for me to go to counseling, and I have not wasted a single minute and have worked hard there.
I am a good mom.
I am a good wife.
I am a success.

So there.

Take that, enemy of my soul. Take that. You will not have me nor mine.

I know Jesus is in my boat – even if there’s a storm.

Matthew 8
25 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”

26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.