The value of waiting. It’s something I’m particularly unfamiliar with. Waiting is something I am definitely not good at. I don’t like waiting. As Brian and I have been pursuing adoption since we got married, though… well, we’ve done lots of it! When we first started dating, we didn’t know much about adoption – practically speaking – but we knew that we both wanted to adopt. We knew that there are kids who have lost their first family and need somebody to step in.
Learning more and more about adoption and about parenting and about trials in parenting tends to scare one off. Really adopting is more intimidating than talking about it. So at first, we were seeking adoption of the least complicated scenarios. We looked at healthy local infant adoption. There’s no biracial things to deal with, there’s no health issues to consider, there aren’t the attachment difficulties associated with older child adoption, there aren’t the issues arising with drug or alcohol abuse…. it’s as close to typical parenting as you can get. And then we had to wait.
So we waited.
Our hearts were grieved that we wouldn’t have the experience of having children born to us. So we allowed ourselves to reconsider. About a year after being told by the adoption agency to wait before adopting, I was pregnant with Anna. Oh, the joy, the newness, the discovery, the pain, the struggle, the beauty… all that comes with a new baby! And oh, the first MONTHS of crying and little sleep. The first months in our lives where our independence, our free time, our extra energy, our extra brain cells were sacrificed. The panic came and I wondered what had we done?! I would never be able to talk with or have time with Brian again. I didn’t know how to help this child. I was physically spent. “So this is parenthood???,” I thought to myself.
So we waited.
Anna grew and developed and we were strong enough. And it didn’t stay hard. Nothing was ever the same as before, but that was ok. We no longer could imagine life without her. I so rarely spent time away from her, even for a trip to the grocery store. And it was ok. It was how I wanted it. My life now held a value that it never had before. My daughter needed me. And as she grew, I began receiving some of the most wonderful gifts in the universe. Returned love. And returned love is something that as pre-adoptive parents, we have learned is something not always guaranteed, especially so soon. Oh, but how wonderful it is!
And we waited!
We wanted to adopt our next child and we didn’t want them too far apart in age. We didn’t have a chunk of cash laying around and didn’t feel a call to fundraise and we felt a burden for the children locally who have no forever family. So we pursued foster care. For awhile, it was fantastic. It didn’t feel like waiting. We went to training, we filled out stacks of paperwork, we did a homestudy, we spent money that we expected to be reimbursed after adoption and we even did some short term foster care. This time was so valuable. It really opened our eyes to so many of the needs of the older child (not infants). It gave names and descriptions and information about who they are. It put a face on waiting children. It gave us a new vision. We hope someday to be a home for the teens who have never had an adult commit to be there for them for the rest of their life. And with continued learning, we decided that Anna needs to remain the oldest child in our home. And there weren’t babies waiting for families.
So we didn’t wait….
We had Maggie. Like I said, I’m not good at waiting! Adoption was waiting. And that was hard. But my life was plenty full with my daughter Anna and the approaching birth of little Margaret. Her birth was perfect, her first months were startlingly different and peaceful than Anna’s, and our lives were not shocked nearly so much as the first time. This time, we weren’t rookies. This time, we made fewer mistakes and we shake our heads at some of the things we didn’t know before. We feel sorry for baby Anna and having such inept parents when she was a baby. The poor girl will continue to get our clumsy firsts her whole life. We pray for grace often. But you know what?
Now adopting seems more intimidating than before. We are more aware than before. We know that we’re going to go back to square one with our feelings of competency and our expectations are going to be scrambled. It’s hard to WANT to be sleep deprived and under stress and unsure how to help your child. What’s more, but as we’ve researched and learned and had our eyes opened more and more, we have changed from trying to adopt a perfectly healthy newborn to wanting to provide a family for a child with inborn special needs who has spent their first years at an orphanage where even their basic needs for food and love haven’t been met. Can you say institutional autism, attachment disorder, Down Syndrome, occupational therapist, speech therapist, physical therapist, international travel, multi-cultural family or adoption expenses in the tens of thousands? Oh yeah, God was working on us while we waited.
Now we are waiting again.
We are asking the same questions over and over again. We are allowing ourselves the chance to ask them all over again. We are allowing ourselves to change our minds. You know some of the questions… we know them really well. How will our current children be affected? How can we protect our children? What are we protecting them from? Do we have the physical energy or strength? Are we financially able? What if they have RAD? What if they never learn how to walk? What if… well, there are a lot of ‘what if’ questions. Do we want to change our whole lives and whole future? What is life with a special needs child like? Will Anna and Maggie have normal lives? Are we prepared to have ‘kids’ for the rest of our lives? Sure, there are lots of flip-sides to some of these questions, like both us and the kids learning about what is really valuable in life. Like really living out our conviction in the value of every life. Like teaching our girls about compassion, generosity, and the value of all people.
What we have come to believe is that all of these questions mean nothing next to this: What does God want for us?
We’re listening for His voice. We’re testing the waters. We’re asking the questions. We’re seeking counsel. We’re researching the adoption process. We’re buying books about special needs. Brian and I get more and less confident in turns – not always the same turn though. We have been working on unity. Because when one of us feels confident and the other is experiencing doubt, we need to come together and have UNITY. We are so strong together and so weak apart.
And we wait.
When we both feel confident at the same time, when we feel settled and informed, then we’ll move forward.
I hate waiting.
Please support us by being flexible. Support us by caring about the waiting children. Support us by praying for us. Pray for our unity. Pray for our children, both at home and away from home. We don’t spend every moment working on this. We are enjoying life and enjoying our girls and continuing the every day struggle to be good parents… not to mention trying to keep the house clean. I feel Anna’s age and future Kindergarten looming on me a bit. I’m not ready to have homeschooling on my plate. One day at a time! Agh! I love you all. Thanks for reading!
