The Davis Family

It’s Wednesday afternoon here. It’s a full week since “gotcha day.” Daniel’s health is much more stable now that he is eating and eating more. I’m alternating between feeding him pureed fruit or fruit/cereal baby food and yogurt. I water them down until they can run off of the spoon a bit and feed him bite by bite. I offer him a large serving (maybe 6 ounces) about five times a day and most of the time, he is eating the entire amount. He fusses while I fix his meal and scoots over to eat it calmly and slowly, little bite by little bite. It is my great pleasure to put this food into him! He is having plenty of wet diapers now and his lips are no longer noticeably chapped. He hasn’t had a bowel movement though, yet, so this afternoon is time for suppositories. I tried to find milk of magnesia, but I didn’t have any luck. I have some at home that I decided not to bring… wish I had! I’ll be home Saturday!

Today we decided to walk all the way up to the city center and see some of the sights. It was a long walk, but we saw some fountains on the way and a fancy garden… then we enjoyed lunch and a souvenir shop in the much loved “walking district” of Vitosha Blvd. We saw a couple of the famous buildings there near Vitosha, but we were all too tired to do more at that point (it was 2pm and we’d left before 10am). So we hailed a taxi that looked like it said “OK” on the side for a ride back. Turns out, it wasn’t actually part of the nice OK taxis and he tried to charge us about 40 leva for a ride that should have been 7-8 leva. I got out, waited til Dad and Maggie were out and handed him a 10. When he asked for forty, I told him no and turned my back. I’m not sure how mad he was, but he got a tip for a dishonest ride. Maybe I should have given him a 5 instead… but then he may have yelled at us instead of just giving us the stink eye and driving away.

So the rest of today I’ll be resting and seeing about that suppository for Daniel. Hopefully once this insides start moving it won’t be too painful. I want to give a “thank you” right here to my friend Vanessa who is sharing her experience as a nurse freely with us. I appreciate your generosity and am thankful from the bottom of my heart, Vanessa. Thank you.

Tomorrow is a busy day with a medical appointment to check Daniel’s TB test, which appears to have gotten a false positive. (It’s a skin test that is often a false positive due to immunizations received) So we’ll have to do an xray too, which may be challenging if Daniel doesn’t hold still. After that’s all finished, I go to the embassy appointment. I’m pretty excited about that, because it’s the last step before we get our exit papers! While I’m at those appointments, Dad and Maggie are going to be tourists for the day.

Pictures to follow for more detail on our sightseeing today! Daniel was a trooper… he tolerated being carried for extended periods, he was still able to eat even though he was stressed out and he even was playful. What a different little boy than my Jordan boy! I miss my kids at home a lot and my husband and his hugs so much. This experience has been valuable to me, but not much of a vacation! 🙂 Maggie is getting a little tired and my Dad has made everything a million times easier.

Okay – pictures!

Yesterday, Dad was tired and laid down for a nap. I was busy with something, so he set Daniel there beside him and rubbed his head. Daniel liked it!

Daniel stayed with dad while he napped for a good 20-30 minutes. <3

The beginning of our walk! Maggie doesn’t need to be encouraged to stop and smell the roses. Or to climb on stuff.

She promised me she’d be careful and she walked nice and carefully as she walked along the stairs to the subway. She mentioned that she hoped an ant didn’t scare her so that she wouldnt’ fall in. 😮

Where Jordan is averse to touch, or at least finds it difficult, Daniel leaned his head against me for long periods while wetwalked! Made my heard melt!

We passed a small smoothie shop that had multiple women ordering. I took that as a sign that they made good smoothies! We got a strawberry/banana/yogurt/honey smoothie for her and it was delicious! The man poured the extra into another cup and handed it to us “for mama.”

The water fountain park was really nice!

Selfie! Daniel didn’t cry much, but he wasn’t especially happy until I fed him lunch later. He was curious about everything!

Hahaha –

Wwe got lunch stir fry style on Vitosha Blvd and this funny and skillful cook made our lunch for us. We took it across the street to the McDonald’s where we bought Maggie’s lunch.

Fed, souvenir’ed and across from the lion statues…. Daniel’s emblem.

The cathedral.

There was a funeral in session, so I went behind everybody to snap a quick picture without disrupting.

All for now! So glad things are going pretty well here. I will be really happy to be home.

Yesterday we went to the grocery store with Daniel. It was cold, but dry and I needed to try some carriers and practice finding out what does and doesn’t work with Daniel in terms of him tolerating being carried around. The moby wrap is a no go, since the only holds I know with it require shorter legs or legs that bend. I tried the carrier (forget what it’s called) that my friend loaned me (thanks, Kelly!) and a normal ergo carrier hold was the most comfortable. Yay! Daniel was content if I kept walking with a regular pace. If I paused or stood still, he quickly began to be unhappy and cry. So I did more walking than shopping at the grocery store, but still managed to spend 70 leva. 🙂

Today (Monday) is our last down day and tomorrow we will take Daniel to a medical exam, including a TB test. The better TB test to do is a blood test, which will not have the risk of a false negative and further testing. But… a blood test is more traumatic and Daniel is small and dehydrated. I’m anxious about tomorrow and wish I could prepare Daniel somehow. I am used to having a nonverbal child, but it doesn’t make this kind of thing any easier.

We are beginning to talk about our flight home… that will be a difficult process, I’m sure, but at the other end is HOME and my HUSBAND and ALL my children in one place. I am looking forward to it so much. Brian has been getting our home ready for Daniel – putting in outlet covers and rearranging the bedroom/schoolroom/office so that the cords are out of reach and Daniel has a bed next to ours. Brian has been working hard – rearranging, playing with the kids, putting in work hours, homeschooling, and trying to keep warm at night without a wife. The last is probably the most difficult. hehe

Last night Daniel cried more than a little bit for the first time after I put him to bed. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong… I think probably he was tired, restless, and wanted the bed and people he is familiar with. It is hard for such a young person to be somewhere new and with strange people. I am looking forward to a month from now when we are no longer strange to him and when he will understand some of our words. Please pray for him as it’s hard work for him!

I discovered that he does not like to eat immediately after waking up. I will try again mid-morning. Yesterday he ate best then and in the midafternoon… snack times for Maggie and me.

I think of Daniel’s first mother often and pray for her as the wound of losing her son is new again. Please pray for her also. Also pray that we find a good way to communicate. I have been sending a few emails and I don’t think google translate works well, but I don’t want to ask for translation help from a person so frequently. I’ll figure it out, but so far, I don’t really know what I’m doing.

Okay, friends, that’s all for now. I need to shower and figure out what we’re doing today.

Leaving our apartment to walk to the grocery

Peek a boo!

Sure is good to be with my son.

Yes, he’s unhappy here. He was done with the grocery. He’s still cute.

It was nice to find a big, fully-stocked grocery.

He’d kinda “had it” by the time we walked home. He wanted to lean way over, so I gave his head extra support and he seemed to like that. I’ll adjust the carrier some and see if I can get it just right. Might try a toddler sized Kinderpack, but his bum is so little, I worry he’d be lost in the pocket. Hmm.

His favorite cord is the laptop charger.

This is the “you’re going to get into trouble if you play with my camera, Maggie” look.

We pulled out some playdoh yesterday. Daniel was averse to touching it at first. Then he figured out he could “plug in” his charger into the dough. Then he learned he could touch it with a knife. Then he touched it long enough to throw it. It was a pleasure to watch him discover!

Maggie made lots of cool things! She is a wonderful big sister. I’m so glad she’s with us.

Even though he doesn’t eat much, I’m pretty sure his tummy looks fuller than when we picked him up. He eats slowly, but I have all the time… slowly by slowly, I hope to see him grow strong!

Pleased to be given a cord when he wakes up.

Morning time!

I know that Daniel was paid attention to in the orphanage. Where Jordan was passive and didn’t react or respond to people, Daniel cries when he wants something, cries when he wants out of bed, lifts his arms to be taken somewhere and even knows to throw a tantrum if he is told “no.” I’m thrilled with his ability to communicate. He is nonverbal (he may understand some Bulgarian, but does not speak it) but I think he will be speaking soon, because he imitates sounds and has specific things he wants. I’m going to enjoy watching him discover the power of speech! (He imitates words, but doesn’t seem to assign meaning to them yet)

Playing with playdoh

Health update: Daniel has had two wet diapers today. That means he is still dehydrated. I’m still trying to get fluids into him. His tummy actually looks fuller today than when we first picked him up… and his lips are less dry. So hopefully we’re improving. No fever today. This morning he was very happy and calm and ate a double portion for breakfast/snack/lunch. This afternoon he was cranky and not interested in playing much or eating as much. I’m wondering if all the new food has made his tummy uncomfortable. When my tummy is sick, I am cranky and want to lay around too. So I’m watching him for dehydration, constipation, gas, and anything else that would indicate that his health is taking a turn for the better or worse. Please keep praying for him as he goes through this stressful time.

Here is just a mess of pictures from today and yesterday of the boy of the year.

Hanging out with his cord.

Big, beautiful eyes.

Sofia out our window.

The sun was out yesterday, but today it is chilly and very wet.

Daniel likes to sleep with a blanket on his head.

Daniel was so happy and relaxed this morning. He ate so much too! Which is good, because he ate less tonight.

Games!

No, I still wouldn’t want to sit next to us.

The airplane treats to hopefully garner sympathetic looks if Daniel cries on the 10 hour plane flight rather than annoyed looks.

Always on the move!

A few hours later, the manager showed up with a new washing machine!!!! Turns out he knew this one didn’t work! I don’t know why he didn’t tell me when I called last night. haha

We did further battle with the inconceivable European washer.

Dad laughed and called this the “rinse and spin’ cycle. Yes, that’s our laundry. No, the laundry machine doesn’t work properly.

Oh, the charger cord is such a temptation! He loves any and all things cord. He plugs things into everything. It’s been a challenge to baby proof this place.

Maggie showed him lots of things to do.

A true sign of his not feeling great this afternoon was that for a few hours he didn’t play.

I tried playing children’s music on this little speaker… that we put on his leg. He was not at all sure about the whole thing.

We sat together for a long time watching Bulgarian children’s songs. He finally relaxed. He was nearly sleeping and even leaned against me he was so relaxed!

Daniel has been unhappy and grouchy since he woke up from his afternoon nap. I wonder if his tummy is a little uncomfortable from the different food.

Maggie has been wonderful to have with us.

He takes that usb cord everywhere. It’s not a security object… exactly. But sorta.

It’s Maggie’s birthday today! She’s 8 years old. Dad bought her little “cakes.”

Playing:

SO CUTE – just talking and playing this morning.

Well, eventually i plugged the USB into the camera for him and he was pleased as punch.

Do you remember your first baby? Was it a difficult adjustment for you? It was for me! I felt awkward and without a clue what I should do. We fumbled our way through and we all survived. The second baby… what a difference. I understood about feeding and sleeping and burping and the rhythm of it all. I understood the perspective of time… that the fatigue would pass, that the phase would end, that a new normal could and would be found. In those ways, the second baby was so much easier than the first.

Learning to be a mother isn’t just for babies, though, as I have learned. There’s so much I still fumble my way through as the children get older and have more complex issues to navigate through. Parenting an adopted child who has come from an orphanage has it’s own particular things to navigate as well. In the six years since we adopted Jordan, we have navigated those parenting waters in slow motion it seems, since Jordan changes slowly, like a flower blooming or a snowflake falling. This slow process of understanding Jordan and meeting him more and more intimately (and more and more like a mother) has been a journey of teachers which has prepared me uniquely for being Daniel’s mama.

Let me explain.

I have had many teachers… Jordan is the most important one. Then a good friend and therapist Joanna. (I’m going to try and make you cry here, sweet lady!) My husband, my children and then other parents and therapists had their impact. But these few days with my new son have been drawing especially on the first two… and their influence works together, because Joanna was the “eyes” I needed to understand the lessons Jordan has been teaching me.

Sorry I’m being so wordy – my thoughts are slow to line up. But I want to explain to you and to myself what I’ve learned about the dance.

Dance steps: Do I leave him in his crib? Do I take him out? How close do I lie to him? Should I give him a toy during nap or not? Should I set boundaries or remove temptations?

The dance. The getting close and drawing away. The making of eye contact and the eyes that don’t press in. Keeping my hands open and ready. Watching for the little signs that reflect emotion and need. How do i explain? It’s a process that has taken six years and it’s become intuition. It’s the way I become “in step” with Jordan… feeling anxious when he is anxious and calm when he is calm. It’s studying what makes him calm and what he enjoys. It’s learning how to offer my close relationship without pushing too hard and scaring him away. Jordan is so very fearful of letting somebody else make decisions for him. What I do is the dance of showing him I’m trustworthy.

More dance steps: When do I play with the toy? When do I hand him the drumstick? When do I laugh or cheer? When do I listen? When do I wait? When do I hold out my hand? Do I play it more to get his attention? Do I stop him when he turns it over to hold it on his teeth and spin the wheels? Do I try for eye contact or keep my social distance?

Jordan does not relate quickly or easily. He does not play or interact easily. He is most comfortable when he closes out the world around him and focuses on physical experience… spinning, swinging, rocking. But his soul desires safety and warmth and relationship. I was six months into being his mother and couldn’t see progress. That’s where Joanna stepped in.

Joanna came to provide occupational therapy for Jordan once a week off and on for almost five years. She could see how Jordan could tolerate small, short interactions and then went away. That awareness helped me to begin to dance with him. And I watched those interactions grow slowly longer and deeper with time. I couldn’t find a way to interact with him. She sat beside him with her hands open, palms up on her lap and within his reach. She watched his eyes and made her hands his hands. I watched and learned… I began to also notice his eyes and desires and made my hands his hands. He began to come out of his shell a little at a time.

Observations: Eyes that watch. Eyes that are guarded. Able to laugh quickly. High awareness and vigilance. Clever, playful, little boy thoughts always beneath the surface. Cautious. Very cautious. Reflexive to stillness, like a little mouse, whenever startled or scared… which is often. Watching.

I was bothered by Jordan’s incessant stimming. Joanna helped me to see from Jordan’s perspective, helped me to ignore society’s opinion, helped me to enter into his world. I can see the function of Jordan’s stimming and as he comes more and more into the bigger world, his stimming has retreated to be a functional tool rather than a constant pastime. (Like a deep breath calms you, a back rub relaxes you, a favorite song takes you back… so is Jordan’s rocking and humming and hand-sucking to him)

Oh, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just thinking out loud, I think. But I know this – all that practice with Jordan in slow motion has given me an automatic intuition for Daniel. It feels GREAT. I can read his body language so well. I recognize his stims and their quantity and quality and am proud of him for doing so well. I can read his eyes and see his guard up where he’s never quite let it down… and I know that I can keep my promise to love and laugh and tease that gentle soul out. I am not intimidated. I am not afraid. I hurt for his loss… yesterday I spent time experiencing some grief for him and for his first family. And I worry about where our path will go. BUT, since we’ve picked him up, I have walked WITH him as he has moved through the first steps of transition. I feel so proud of me!

The steps: I undressed him gently and set him on a soft towel. He watched while i filled the water… in scared mouse mode. I got the water to the temperature Jordan likes… slightly cooler than what I like, but still warm. He was too scared to set in that water. I set him beside the water. Still in mouse mode. I lifted one tense, stiff arm and touched his fingers to the water. He jerked back. I waited. He breathed and thought. I moved his hand to the water again. He was slower to take his hand back. I left him (confused and curious) to go get an empty plastic bottle. I came back and scooped water… poured a little on his legs. He tried touching the water himself. He splashed! A little grin came out. More splashing. Lots of pouring water on his legs. Then his torso. Eventually a little on his head. Watching for smiles and readiness. Waiting for him to hand me the bottle. He tried to scoop and pour and then gave me the bottle.. over and over we repeated. Then…. I set him in the tub. He almost went to mouse mode, but had fun instead! SUCCESS!

Maybe someday I’ll type this again as the thoughts become more clear. But for now… Thank you, Jordan. Thank you, Joanna.

I want to tell you what this tiny human being is worth. I can’t tell you exactly, but I will tell you what he is worth more than.
He is worth more than 11 months of paperwork.
He is worth more than two trips to Bulgaria… and not for vacation.
He is worth more than a week with both parents away from our other children.
He is worth more than two weeks away from my husband and children.
He is worth more than $32,000 in fees and travel expenses.
He is worth more than weeks of personal leave at work.
He is worth more than my dad taking two weeks away from his business, his livelihood.
He is worth more than my brother in law working long hours to cover for my dad… and my sister and her children spending so much time without him.
He is worth more than going through jet lag.
He is worth heartache and heartbreak.
He is worth all I have and more.
He is one valuable kid.
I am so lucky to be his second mother.
Pray for me and pray for him and pray for his first mother and his Bulgarian family.

Daniel slept last night. He is eating today too… small amounts, but eating without a fight. He is running a low grade fever and we’re keeping an eye on him. I’m still worried about his health. He is in a fragile place right now as his malnourished body is experiencing great stress. Having adopted from this orphanage before, I am familiar with many of its shortcomings and am feeling the comfort of experience as I navigate each day. But I am tired and he is not well… so please continue to pray for us when you think of us.

We arrive home on October 14 at night. We’ll be hopefully sheltering at home as he grows in strength. I don’t want to try and do that in a hospital.

He is a beautiful child who is easy to love.

Finding our way…

He likes to roll back and forth, sucking his thumb and kicking his leg on the side of the crib to fall asleep.

My four year old baby boy. That’s a size 4 diaper. Size 3 fits a bit better.

Books and screen time as we rest.

Worth the wait!