Do you remember your first baby? Was it a difficult adjustment for you? It was for me! I felt awkward and without a clue what I should do. We fumbled our way through and we all survived. The second baby… what a difference. I understood about feeding and sleeping and burping and the rhythm of it all. I understood the perspective of time… that the fatigue would pass, that the phase would end, that a new normal could and would be found. In those ways, the second baby was so much easier than the first.
Learning to be a mother isn’t just for babies, though, as I have learned. There’s so much I still fumble my way through as the children get older and have more complex issues to navigate through. Parenting an adopted child who has come from an orphanage has it’s own particular things to navigate as well. In the six years since we adopted Jordan, we have navigated those parenting waters in slow motion it seems, since Jordan changes slowly, like a flower blooming or a snowflake falling. This slow process of understanding Jordan and meeting him more and more intimately (and more and more like a mother) has been a journey of teachers which has prepared me uniquely for being Daniel’s mama.
Let me explain.
I have had many teachers… Jordan is the most important one. Then a good friend and therapist Joanna. (I’m going to try and make you cry here, sweet lady!) My husband, my children and then other parents and therapists had their impact. But these few days with my new son have been drawing especially on the first two… and their influence works together, because Joanna was the “eyes” I needed to understand the lessons Jordan has been teaching me.
Sorry I’m being so wordy – my thoughts are slow to line up. But I want to explain to you and to myself what I’ve learned about the dance.
Dance steps: Do I leave him in his crib? Do I take him out? How close do I lie to him? Should I give him a toy during nap or not? Should I set boundaries or remove temptations?
The dance. The getting close and drawing away. The making of eye contact and the eyes that don’t press in. Keeping my hands open and ready. Watching for the little signs that reflect emotion and need. How do i explain? It’s a process that has taken six years and it’s become intuition. It’s the way I become “in step” with Jordan… feeling anxious when he is anxious and calm when he is calm. It’s studying what makes him calm and what he enjoys. It’s learning how to offer my close relationship without pushing too hard and scaring him away. Jordan is so very fearful of letting somebody else make decisions for him. What I do is the dance of showing him I’m trustworthy.
More dance steps: When do I play with the toy? When do I hand him the drumstick? When do I laugh or cheer? When do I listen? When do I wait? When do I hold out my hand? Do I play it more to get his attention? Do I stop him when he turns it over to hold it on his teeth and spin the wheels? Do I try for eye contact or keep my social distance?
Jordan does not relate quickly or easily. He does not play or interact easily. He is most comfortable when he closes out the world around him and focuses on physical experience… spinning, swinging, rocking. But his soul desires safety and warmth and relationship. I was six months into being his mother and couldn’t see progress. That’s where Joanna stepped in.
Joanna came to provide occupational therapy for Jordan once a week off and on for almost five years. She could see how Jordan could tolerate small, short interactions and then went away. That awareness helped me to begin to dance with him. And I watched those interactions grow slowly longer and deeper with time. I couldn’t find a way to interact with him. She sat beside him with her hands open, palms up on her lap and within his reach. She watched his eyes and made her hands his hands. I watched and learned… I began to also notice his eyes and desires and made my hands his hands. He began to come out of his shell a little at a time.
Observations: Eyes that watch. Eyes that are guarded. Able to laugh quickly. High awareness and vigilance. Clever, playful, little boy thoughts always beneath the surface. Cautious. Very cautious. Reflexive to stillness, like a little mouse, whenever startled or scared… which is often. Watching.
I was bothered by Jordan’s incessant stimming. Joanna helped me to see from Jordan’s perspective, helped me to ignore society’s opinion, helped me to enter into his world. I can see the function of Jordan’s stimming and as he comes more and more into the bigger world, his stimming has retreated to be a functional tool rather than a constant pastime. (Like a deep breath calms you, a back rub relaxes you, a favorite song takes you back… so is Jordan’s rocking and humming and hand-sucking to him)
Oh, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just thinking out loud, I think. But I know this – all that practice with Jordan in slow motion has given me an automatic intuition for Daniel. It feels GREAT. I can read his body language so well. I recognize his stims and their quantity and quality and am proud of him for doing so well. I can read his eyes and see his guard up where he’s never quite let it down… and I know that I can keep my promise to love and laugh and tease that gentle soul out. I am not intimidated. I am not afraid. I hurt for his loss… yesterday I spent time experiencing some grief for him and for his first family. And I worry about where our path will go. BUT, since we’ve picked him up, I have walked WITH him as he has moved through the first steps of transition. I feel so proud of me!
The steps: I undressed him gently and set him on a soft towel. He watched while i filled the water… in scared mouse mode. I got the water to the temperature Jordan likes… slightly cooler than what I like, but still warm. He was too scared to set in that water. I set him beside the water. Still in mouse mode. I lifted one tense, stiff arm and touched his fingers to the water. He jerked back. I waited. He breathed and thought. I moved his hand to the water again. He was slower to take his hand back. I left him (confused and curious) to go get an empty plastic bottle. I came back and scooped water… poured a little on his legs. He tried touching the water himself. He splashed! A little grin came out. More splashing. Lots of pouring water on his legs. Then his torso. Eventually a little on his head. Watching for smiles and readiness. Waiting for him to hand me the bottle. He tried to scoop and pour and then gave me the bottle.. over and over we repeated. Then…. I set him in the tub. He almost went to mouse mode, but had fun instead! SUCCESS!
Maybe someday I’ll type this again as the thoughts become more clear. But for now… Thank you, Jordan. Thank you, Joanna.
