Dreamseekers and Company

We got to go to the beach! We went to the same hotel that we stayed at on our honeymoon 10 years ago. We got a larger room, of course. Brian’s mom was able to come for part of the time too and it made the trip extra special! At night, all six of us slept in the same room successfully. I was impressed. During the day we ate simple food, ate restaurant food, played on the beach and swam in the hotel pool. The hotel pool was a highlight – Anna can really swim now! It’s not specific strokes or anything, but she can jump confidently into the deep end and swim back to the side or over to the shallow end. Carolyn wants to jump in the pool and be caught… over and over for hours. We mostly obliged. She flings herself off the side of the pool with abandon. Maggie could stand on the very shallow end but spent a lot of time crawling around the edge of the pool or swimming with a grown-up. Jordan was amazing! We forgot his life vest, but he let us hold him… he sometimes glued himself to us with arms and legs wrapped around us… and he played freely, splashing, kicking, turning, climbing into our arms or further out. On the second pool trip, I was able to convince him that the hot tub was NOT goign to boil him alive and he spent the second half of our water play splashing his feet in the water (just his feet) and warming up.

It’s time for me to get off the computer and help the kids along with breakfast and get Jordan up. This week is a transition from summer to school week. I’ll start waking the kids up a little earlier and make some decisions about what morning chores are going away so that school comes first. We’ve been having a really wonderful summer. As soon as it’s uploaded, I am excited to show you videos of Jordan plying in the sand. He played!

Hanging out in our hotel room.

Watching a cartoon.

Husband and wife.

Mother and son.

These two can get pretty silly together.

Maggie found this bug and wasn’t afraid to hold it.

I love pink!

My silly and studly, earnest and genuine, hard-working and funloving husband.

My spunky and sparkly, creative, thoughtful, sweet and passionate Maggie.

My beautiful, smart, helpful, creative, industrious and kind 8-year-old daughter Anna.

Brother and sister.

Jordan chewed a little on the sand (as usual – yuck!) but actually spent most of the time playing PLAYING in the sand!!!!!!!

haha – she was having so much fun putting sand on my foot.

The sand at the beach here is very coarse.

Mom D getting a picture of Jordan for my Mommy.

It was an industrious crew!

Helping

We prayed for peace for Jordan on the beach… and God gave him peace!

Sitting in the sun and enjoying each others company.

Building a dam on the creek.

The ocean view was out of the corner window… but it was lovely!

Some of our snacks. Ground cherries and cherry tomatoes.

Thanks to a kind friend being available to watch Jordan for us, we got to go to the county fair twice this year! The first visit was a shorter visit and we spent the time visiting different animals mostly. We toured the sheep barn some and then visited the “hair sheep” barn. We talked a long time with a few of the local sheep experts about raising meat sheep and talked with some 4-Hers and families who also raise and sell lambs at auction. We bumped into a ballet friend whose son does sheep 4-H. We wandered the cow aisles and talked with a man about raising beef cows for awhile. We had lots of questions about what a cow needs shelter wise, how long it takes a cow to reach maturity, how many cows would our pasture support, etc. We asked him where the sheep barn was (we went to cows first) and it turns out he used to do sheep with his daughter also, so he gave us some good information and contact info also. As we were getting ready to move on, he gave us his number and said he had some sheep supplies that we could have if we got into sheep!

We hung around the honeybee display for awhile, looking at the observation hive and watching a short demonstration where a gal wearing her everyday clothes went in and opened up a hive for us and pulled out a frame for us to see. She didn’t stay in the big room-cage where the hive was very long, because the bees were “not happy” as she put it and answered our questions from outside the cage. I am still very excited about keeping bees starting next spring, but I am worried our bees will die! We will see. We also watched a cute show of a silly clown lady. She was in the “children” area of the fair and she was just so silly.

The second visit was a long visit. I think seven hours we were at the fair! We looked at displays, we looked at a few animals, we went on rides, we watched shows, we ate lunch and…. I don’t know what all! Maybe some of the chit-chat with animal owners was on this day instead. Does it matter?

It was so adorable, as usual, to watch the kids on rides. They only get to go on a couple rides once a year at the county fair. Anna continues her cautious progression and was willing to try a few new rides this year, with great success and many smiles! Every year she wants to start on the merry-go-round with smiles and magical pleasure each time. Maggie was tall enough for the ferris wheel this time, so I took her on it with me. I have fond memories of my mom loving ferris wheels and taking me on one with her for a special time. Well, taking Maggie on a ferris wheel for the first time was nothing like taking Anna on a ferris wheel for the first time. Maggie wasn’t scared or hardly impressed as far as I could tell, while the height was definitely a stretch for Anna. And me. It was pretty funny and I loved my ride with her. Carolyn was out of ride tickets by this time and was being rather exhausting with demands for more rides. But until her rides ran out, she was thrilled and confident and breathless with wonder. It sure is a pleasure to watch our children experience special times.

We watched the end of a show on this trip too. It was also in the children’s area and was a couple’s act with balancing and tricks. The lady “clown” used a very high pitch voice and was always giggling. She had me giggling just with that. At the very end, they got into a fight with each other and pulled out toilet paper guns. Hahaha – they were snow blowers with toilet paper roll holders on the front. They pretended to blow each other away and then they blew it all over the crowd of delighted children. The show was over and they asked the kids to put the toilet paper on the stage to help clean up. Then they blew it back at the kids to more delighted squealing. It was a huge mess and so funny.

Ok – now to do the beach trip post!

Tractors, of course!

Maggie chose the horse dragon to ride. :-):-)

Anna chose a horse with an eagle on the side.

Carolyn’s childish glee on a ride is a real pleasure to watch.

These two were a perfect match this year. Maggie especially got into the motorcycles “jumps”.

See Maggie holding on tight!

Here are Anna and Maggie getting onto a swing ride that swings them in a slow circle.

Cheese!

Anna’s knuckles got a little white when she realized the swing lifts off the ground too!

Carolyn got on this ride all by herself!

Maggie and I on the ferris wheel!

Brian and Anna’s turn!

The clown lady

So funny!

Watching motox

I wish I took a picture of the riders flying high in the air.

This is us taking notes.

Last year we started a tradition of “camping” at our house with my sister’s family for a couple nights. I hope it’s a tradition we can continue for many years to come. This year was really special as the kids were all so much older, their personalities were more developed and they were just ABLE to do so much more. Much laughter and adventures were had, though we adults know very little of them. We set up tents in the back yard and most of the kids and a few adults slept outdoors. I slept under the stars beside the tents the first night and watched shooting stars as I fell asleep. Hot dogs, smores, and many juice boxes were consumed (thanks, Melissa!) and the pool was a great way to cool off. Camping with your house? Yes, please!

The blue thing is because we have no shade.

“Can I wear dressup outside?”

Sitting around the fire.

Imagination central

Silly girly girl doling out little bits of nice-smelling lotion to everybody. I don’t know why.

The dogs did really awesome and were not stressed by the kids at all. Here is Rose right after I woke her up.

We needed to smell like smoke so that it would be real camping.

We also had to brush teeth outside so that it would be real camping.

Breakfast inside at a real table. Perfect!

So pretty!

Last year we watched “Cars.” This year, we watched “Despicable Me 2” and I couldn’t find the camera fast enough. (really) They were all laughing sooooo hard and I wanted to catch it on video. 🙂

One night as we were waiting for the sun to go down (just because) before we roasted marshmallows, the kids started playing by the tent. It made me so happy that I started videotaping it to share with Mom and Dad just in case they need a little dose of grandchildren!

Jordan did well during the visit – not stressing out, playing mostly appropriately and chilling in his play room when he needed down time. Here’s a cute video of him showing off his swinging skills. And wow… he is not the same kid I adopted. Is he? I have had just the best week with him and feel more like his Mama than I ever have. It’s special.:

Jordan ate some barely smooshed blackberries in his applesauce! He does not allow ANY fruit into his mouth that is pureed and his eye is very sharp at noticing when we try to sneak them in. He WILLINGLY ate some of the smooshed blackberries during therapy time with Joanna. HOORAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the smudge on the lens, but I had no brain cells to wipe it that day. I was pooped and stressed out but I knew how funny this would be later (ok, it was a little funny then too), but Jordan was yelling and screeching for a good 20 minutes during the end of our Costco trip. It was piercing and everybody looked (really). He was coping with being ready to melt down and I was proud of him and I was coping and not melting down and I was proud of me. All in all, I don’t think we’ll keep our Costco membership, but it was a productive trip.

Me and two of my girls at Camp Attitude

Diagnosis
Medications
Side effects
What I think of myself
The future

A year ago, I had emerged from a physically and emotionally grueling phase of life called adoption, pregnancy, moving and extended loss of sleep. I was used to feeling tired and spent. It was not an especially unhappy period of life, just hard. But a year ago, we were settled and resting better and our family unit as a whole was doing really well. Except for me. My own emotional trajectory was not following the trend and I often found myself flashing into a hot anger towards the children. This anger was not ok and when it stuck around for a little while, I went into a counselor and subsequently a doctor and learned that the root problem was depression and anxiety.

Since then has been a really beneficial journey. I have learned a lot. I can now accurately identify anxiety when I feel it and multiple flavors of depression (sadness, grief, ache, tearfulness, longing) and I am really good at knowing if those emotions are caused by my physical/clinical condition or if they are reasonable responses to life around me. I also participated in six months of productive counseling with a skilled Christian therapist. I brought with me several tangled strands of emotionally charged thought patterns and emerged with a better understanding about life and faith. Some of the topics were “what it means to be a mother”, “to be successful”, “being be Jordan’s mom”, “God and suffering,” and it culminated in a greater depth of faith.

Very early in the process, I went to a doctor and was prescribed antidepressants. Prozac settled the depressed emotions to the background and the anger no longer flashed. I still had a deep “fog” in my mind, if you will, and some fairly intense anxiety, so we increased the dose several times, but eventually the bizarre dreams and insomnia convinced me it was not the right drug for me. I took a month off medications and discovered that I was not, at that point, at a place where I was ready to be without medications. I tried a few others (sorry, don’t remember their names – one made my extremely anxious and one was almost right, but not quite) and settled on __________. I have been stable for quite a long time now except for short seasons (PMS, for example) and it has been good to be present and healthy.

There are some negative effects of medication, though, that I want to describe. The first thing that comes to mind is its’ sedative effect. My doctor and I worked to find one that helps me retain an even keel but that has as little sedation as possible… but it is not without more sedation than is ideal. It mellows me beyond my natural level of mellow. My emotions feel muffled as well as my physical response to my husband. It’s preferable to being a hurting puddle of tears, but I usually really enjoy most of the day after forgetting a dose of medication, because I feel energetic and engaged and responsive to everything. Two days after, though, it feels more like my emotions are wobbling on ice skates with laughter and tears on either side of the wobble.

The second thing that comes to mind is hard to explain, because I don’t understand it well, but it has to do with what I think about myself when I take medication. I know in my head that it’s wonderful that there are medications to help people struggling through illnesses like this and I am truly grateful. The medication made the mental and spiritual healing possible. Now when I feel depressed, it is very surface, very physical and it does not attack my identity any more. But I don’t like feeling broken and I don’t like taking pills that modify how I feel. I’m frustrated with my body, including the 20 pounds I put on over the first six months after being diagnosed. This is the first time I’ve had something that feels like I can’t overcome it. Call it a midlife crisis, perhaps, but my youth is not beating this for me and I don’t like that.

Since the medication is working right now and our family continues on the upswing, Brian and I have started talking about an exit strategy from the world of antidepressants. Neither of us is sure that I can or should be off antidepressants, but we both know that I want off, so we are going to see what sort of things we can put in place to make it more likely. You know, we should think through and lay out the proactive and reactive responses to a number of situations. Things like exercise, diet, rest and some of those things we forgot about during our time raising babies. Speaking of babies, for the first time in my life, I am feeling some peace about “being done” having children. No firm decisions, just it’s good to feel settled and comfortable and in love with my family right now without that constant longing. 🙂

So that’s it! That’s what’s up after a year or so of having depression. Ta da! A blog is written!