Jordan in a family experiencing his first Christmas and the constant presence of a family and parents for the first time.
Jordan has made SO many strides this last year. He is beginning to engage and communicate and understand at levels that I didn’t know if he would ever reach. Best not to underestimate what my little boy can do! We knew from very early on that he is strong and will overcome just about anything in his own time. When I think of how much he has overcome and the way he has let a seed of trust in the human race begin to grow in him… I am so incredibly proud.
So this isn’t going to be a complete developmental update. I just want to focus on relational aspects of his development. I’m sure that’s ok with most of my readers, because most of you aren’t used to paying as close of attention to the milestones within milestones from every perspective!
Over Christmas break, we had company a couple times and went out to see friends a couple times. And I began to be aware of something: Jordan behaves differently with adults he does not know than with us. He also behaves differently in environments that are not his own familiar places. But I’ll leave the discussion of his anxiety over new places, expectations and transitions aside now and focus on how he interacts with people.
ARGH – this blog is so difficult to write! It’s hard to find words for things that you understand only barely and then only innately.
When Jordan was born, he craved a mother to respond to his needs, to teach him to trust and to introduce him slowly and safely to the world. He didn’t get that. He experienced levels of abandonment that crush my heart to consider. He experienced sickness with only detached caretakers to comfort him. He wasn’t even snuggled when it was time to eat, but a bottle was propped up! By the time we took him from the orphanage, he had adjusted his heart and his mind to his world inside his crib and when he was so unexpectedly pulled into our life and arms, it was very traumatic. He resists touch, eye contact, closeness both physically and emotionally… and at first he had absolutely no concept of what relationship or communication were. I know it’s hard to imagine. Even with him in our home, it was hard to comprehend.
Jordan’s referral picture. The only picture we had when we determined to make him our son.
And so the learning for both he and us began. We approached and he retreated. We held and rocked him and he fought until he disassociated. We retreated (oh so hard to do!) and watched for opportunities to be there for him. We grabbed at the opportunity to promote relationship by spoon feeding him. We ran to him when he was hurt, even though he didn’t cry. There was so LITTLE we could do for him at first. He had to do everything himself… which was so little. He both soothed and occupied himself by rocking, grinding his teeth, pushing his hands down his throat, chewing his thumbs, banging his forehead. He began to rely on us for his meals. And he began to become accustomed to his surroundings.
Falling asleep takes a break from the world… and is easier to do when you’re this flexible!
I remember a month or two after he got home, he claimed his home as his own and began to explore. With conquering the fear of the home, he began to strengthen and move and within not much longer he learned to crawl better and to walk. His eyesight improved and all his other abilities improved and he began to develop a cause and effect understanding, an understanding of object permanence and some problem solving skills. Where at first he couldn’t crawl over the vacuum cord, he began crawling up onto pillows and working his way around objects instead of assuming he couldn’t get past. And with all this movement and development, a very slow trickling of relationship began. He began to understand that communication is a give and take. We do something, he does something, then we do something back.
Learning to stand, learnign to walk. Getting stronger in every way every day!
These days, he has such an improved grasp on language that he can respond appropriately to a number of instructions. “Sit down, Jordan.” “Get down, Jordan.” “Gentle, Jordan.” “Put it back, Jordan.” “Push, Jordan!” And he has begun to grasp expressive language too! He will cry when he’s hurt, he will bawl when he’s sad, he will scream and head butt when he’s angry… and he will smile when he’s silly, laugh when he’s tickled, and even grab our hands or use one of his limited signs when he wants something!!! His social cues are still very difficult for a stranger or friend to read, but his emotional tone is much more developed and broad and aware than it has ever been before. He is still very aware of his surroundings and feels safest when he can predict the order and specifics of events and is uncomfortable when things are different.
Be gentle, Jordan!
A personal struggle I have had over the last two years since my son has been home is the lack of attachment we have for each other. I knew going into adopting a child with special needs from an orphanage, that there would likely be some attachment difficulty, so I have worked on being patient with both Jordan and myself. I guess I didn’t realize how much time Jordan would take to learn and redevelop the emotional complexities necessary for trust and love. Everything Jordan learns takes about a hundred times longer than my typical kids who have never experienced extended neglect… including social and emotional development. At first, the relationship was one-sided, with me loving him dearly. Then, it was no-sided… that is, I love him and I have moved forward in hope, but my heart was empty and withdrawn from Jordan’s prolonged detachment. If you haven’t adopted or gone through this, please extend me grace… this is a very typical/normal phase to go through! The important thing is that I pressed on in hope.
At the beach with Jordan after just a few months home… sick with morning sickness, but pressing forward into closeness.
And then something happened recently. I became jealous. And protective. HEYyyyyyyy, those are attachment feelings! I think I’m making it! We were all in a group of people and some new friends were making friends with Jordan. And they were being wonderfully warm and receptive and welcoming. One sweet Mama initiated some wonderful one-on-one time with Jordan. But… there was a wee problem. Jordan was exhibiting stress and even some anxiety, even as he was enjoying the contact. What’s this!? Jordan has very rarely shown any preference for me and has always been willing to go to any lap that was willing. This breaks my heart a bit, but it’s not Jordan’s fault that he doesn’t know that his Mom is his special safe place and that nobody else is that special. He has only begun to be able to be redirected from misplaced affection anyway. But this night, I saw some anxiety over being picked up by a couple well-meaning mother figures and it blew my blessed mama bone outta the water! I felt protective of him and I felt jealous of their getting his smiles. Oh, blessed attachment, are you happening!?
I have very few pictures of Jordan and I together, because Jordan is still uncomfortable with cuddling (and play-time pictures I’m busy playing!). Which is why this picture of Jordan snuggled up to Brian is so precious.
So, my dear friends and family… we have never walked this attachment path before. Forgive us for our blunt, irregular, sometimes incomprehensible requests. We don’t actually know what we’re doing. Teaching a child to love and trust the human race again after spending developing years in semi-isolation is difficult and with Jordan having Down Syndrome, the process is drawn out quite a bit. Other moms, please, please forgive me for possibly hurting YOUR feelings as I stumble around.
I need to reason through what Jordan should be permitted to do with people he doesn’t know well yet. He happily plopped himself on several women’s laps today at a play group whom we’ve never met before. I doubt he even was brave enough to look at their faces or make eye contact, but he has learned to love laps and holding hands. It feels inappropriate for him to “date” other moms without any serious intentions of developing a lasting relationship and it is uncomfortable for me at this awkward point in our relationship. I am also aware that Jordan will need to learn some appropriate social boundaries as he grows older… it wouldn’t do for a 16 year old young man to go plopping himself into random seated people’s laps. At the rate he learns, it probably isn’t a bad idea to start practicing now. But it’s hard! So… I’m not sure what to do about that yet. And I appreciate all my loving, supportive friends and family so much. And I am well aware that this post may get me a great deal of advice and judgement. I don’t mind the first… I have a good system of adoptive friends, loving parents and trained therapists who have offered great advice! It’s the judgement that I dislike. Ah well, I’d rather share my journey anyway.
Following after Jesus… but still maaaaaaany steps behind,
Rachel
Can’t see any struggles or sleep deprivation here, can you!? 🙂
