My arms (and womb) were full of blessing that day in December last year!
Written rushed while my blessings played and cried and interrupted around me. 🙂 Not proof read or edited. Hopefully the point comes across anyway.
Somebody asked me a question yesterday about family planning. Many of the blogs that I love are written by mothers of large families… and several of them take some time to explain why they do not practice family planning of any sort. (Birth control, natural family planning, surgical sterilization, etc.) Honestly, they’ve been a bit of a challenge to read, because the heart of these women as they submit themselves to God even in big stuff is really inspiring. And they repeatedly and without reserve call children blessings. (What a refreshing perspective in today’s culture of considering children distractions and burdens!) Probably the biggest thing for me was thinking over this line, “I wouldn’t want to miss out on any of my children!” You know, by not letting them be conceived and born. You certainly wouldn’t want to un-make them! What a horrible thought!
Anyway, back to the question. My friend knows that we DO still practice family planning and that we think it’s the right thing for us to be doing. She wondered if I knew of any blogs out there that talked about submitting to God and honoring Him WHILE practicing family planning. (and I do NOT mean family planning like Planned Parenthood means. Killing a child, no matter how small, is just plain wrong.) I don’t know of any blogs… so decided to sit down and write a post on the subject. Carolyn just started fussing, so we shall see if I can. 🙂
I guess what it comes down to, for me/us, is the attitude of your heart. Never should we presume to have more control over our lives than we really do. God cares about us and is involved intimately in our lives. He is truly working all things together for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28) I KNOW He is present and active in my life. I know his tenderness and love for me. I know that he cares even about the mundane things. And I know that He is all-powerful. Yes, I believe in a sovereign God. Pretty mind-blowing, really.
I wish I had more Bible knowledge to back this post up with, but I don’t. So I’ll share the pieces I have and otherwise just share from my heart. Galatians 6:5 tells us we should bear our own burden. (Right after telling us to help others with their burdens) And there seems to be a general attitude in the Bible to be responsible and studied and knowledgeable. (Acts 17:11 – the verse about Bereans studying the Scripture, most of Acts speaks of being wise and getting wisdom) Now, no knowledge supercedes our attitude towards one another… (1 Corinthians 13:2)
I know I’m rambling, but I”m trying to get somewhere.
So we are supposed to be wise and we are supposed to trust God. That seems to be a bit of a dichotomy. Am I using that word right? It seems like using our finite, incomplete, human wisdom is in opposition to trusting God. But God commands us to do both.
Trust Him. Know you are weak and He is strong.
Be wise. Be responsible for yourself.
So which is it? I think it comes down to the attitude of your heart. I trust God to be in control of our family no matter what I do. No, I do more. I PRAY that God would be in control of our family, changing us and molding us and even growing or not growing us according to His perfect will. There is no doubt in my mind that the opening or closing of a woman’s womb is 100% within God’s control if He wishes. There are plenty of examples in the Bible of that.
I’ll sum up my position – that of trusting God while still practicing family planning – with our personal example:
Brian and I are doing our best to be wise about our family. We know we are stretched beyond what we’re comfortable with right now. And it’s been kinda hard. And we feel strained to meet the needs of our children. It does not seem wise to add to our family right now. It seems like it would compromise our parenting too far. What seems wise is to wait a few years and focus on the children we have now. To love them, raise them… honestly, to try and catch up with them a bit. Not that we’ll ever feel caught up, but we need to have our head, at least, above the water. And so we will practice family planning for the time being, actively trying to prevent another pregnancy.
But I am not as big as God. And I trust that He hears my prayers. I pray that He will overwhelm my efforts to prevent a pregnancy if a pregnancy is what is best for us. I believe He is that big. That we can exercise control over our lives and yet trust Him to override us. I will try to control my body’s fertility similar to the way I try to control my body’s weight and health. The way I try to control our finances and plan for our future. We’ll do the best we can… and we’ll trust God with the rest.
I do not believe that I am limiting God by limiting my family size. I do not believe that I am trusting God less by limiting our family size. And although I want every single child that God has for me… I don’t believe that letting myself get pregnant every time that it’s possible (because TMI or not, we are not practicing abstinence) is necessarily what God wants. Can I have MORE children than God wants for me? I think so.
Ok! Now it’s time to get myself dressed (because although all of my children are fed and dressed, I haven’t gotten that far myself – haha!) and pack some lunches, because we’re going to try and visit Brian at work today for lunch!
Holding my surprise blessing from God. Unplanned. Hard work. Wonderful!!!
Edited to add other blogs about family planning:
From a Catholic perspective
About the attitude towards children, but mostly about being pro-life or pro-choice.
Thank you for sharing this! I am inspired by your heart and your honesty. And of course inspired by your family! You hit on a topic that Jordan & I also contemplate, and I ak so thankful that we arent alone.
Thanks for sharing, Rachel. My thoughts on the issue are very similar to yours. Like you, I read blogs written by women of God who I highly respect who don’t practice family planning, so it’s something I’ve found challenging too. I think we are at a similar stage where 4 kids is just about doing us in… not quite but just about. 😉 At the same time, if God brings more kids into our lives in future via birth or adoption, I would be overjoyed. It’s just not something we are actively seeking at the moment. Thanks for the reminder that family size is something I need to continue to cover in prayer.
I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now since my family also recently adopted a little boy from BG. I’ve never commented before, but I really connected with this post in terms of the trust vs responsibility issue. I know for my husband and I, we almost certainly would not have been able to adopt if we didn’t use birth control because I would be almost constantly pregnant! Like the Duggars, I would be having a child every 18 months, and I wouldn’t have even considered adopting. And there’s a very special 2 year old with no hands who would be sitting in an orphanage with a minimal chance of ever knowing what it’s like to have a family. A 2 year old whom the Lord ordained that we would adopt before we ever even thought of it. I think if someone feels that the Lord has told them not to use contraception, then they should absolutely be obedient, but I don’t think we’re all meant to get that message.
Love your blog, btw. You have a beautiful family!
I LOVE this post. LOVE it! Because, like you, I haven’t seen much writing about Christian family planning other than the ‘we’re not using any birth control because we’re trusting God with the size of our family” mindset, which I DO admire…but surely there’s a middle ground for those of us who don’t feel called to be pregnant all the time. I think it’s kind of taboo for Christians to talk about birth control; a lot of us use it, but don’t discuss it much. And like the above commenter Raina, my husband and I DO feel SO called to adopt and that would be much harder if we were constantly adding bio children to our home. Our most recent sweet blessing, born in September, was a surprise. Like you said, God IS sovereign and He saw fit to give us this child and we are thrilled!!! But, it hasn’t been easy; my husband’s job didn’t carry medical benefits for me, so I had to get on government assistance for medical and even for some food. God provided, grew our faith, got us through, but we started to get into debt simply because our income wasn’t enough and I want to stay home with my kids. Then, in His perfect timing, God gifted my husband with a new job starting next week! So maybe we’ll grow our family again in the nearish future, through adoption or through our bodies, but for now we are unabashedly taking a break from adding kids to the mix (unless God sees otherwise of course).
Anyway, sorry for the looooong comment, but I just really enjoyed and nodded along to this post 🙂 Thanks for writing on a topic that lots of others skirt around.
If we trusted God for the size of our family….., where would you be? Modern medicine provides interesting choices, we chose fertility pills that gave us 3 wonderful children! Not easy questions…, but I admire your desire to know what is right for you.
Just food for thought, Dad: People of the “no family planning” mindset usually are ok with fertility pills… at least those I’ve heard from. The idea behind that being: it’s ok to fix what’s broken, but we should not break what God has made perfect.
That’s why I tried to think about the issue from a heart perspective… not that I was focused or concise, but I was intentionally trying to stay away from arguments that are more easily argued with.
Ok – honestly not having a clear-thinking week here. zzzzzzzzz