What I Really Need…

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to request a unicorn my therapist Joanna Blanchard who has the following diagnoses relevant to this request:
Parenthood, Being a woman, Self Employment, Occupational Therapist, Sons, Sons who pull their own teeth at school

Background and relevant history:

Joanna is a stunning and talented Occupational Therapist located in Clark County. I don’t know where exactly, because she has a driver’s license and tends to go all over the place, but chances are good that she is in Clark County. Unless she wanted to buy something and not pay sales tax. In that case, she’s probably in Portland somewhere.

Joanna has complex and multiple diagnoses related to motherhood, adulthood, wifehood, and general being alive-hood. In addition, her social and sensory development has been permanently altered by her extended immersion in child and autism-related environments. It is unclear whether her development in these areas is heightened, deadened (reduced), or just twisted all turvsy, but bursts of chicken photos surface on social media at frequent intervals. Her husband claims she has good reason and we all like chickens and all, but some of us think she should branch out to other fowl. What’s more, the chicken thing is mild compared to her ridiculously enthusiastic support of all her clients, whom she covers with encouragement and praise for the littlest things. And by clients, I mean her clients’ parents. I personally have been touted as the world’s best mother for making homemade pop tarts. … That one may have been deserved, I guess. I’ll try and think of another example.

Joanna now lives at home (in xxxxxxxxx County!) with her husband and two sons. She attends occupational therapy sessions all day long several days a week besides doing all the mom stuff, going to her sons’ therapy and alternately encouraging 🙂 and ENCOURAGING 🙁 her children’s school teachers.

Recently, Joanna has been tattooing unicorns on herself, doodling with unicorns and being spammed (by her “friends”) with unicorn poop memes. Her entire community is invested in her well-being and we can all see that it’s time for Joanna to have her very own UNICORN.

Request and benefit: A real live, three-dimensional, sparkly, flying-type unicorn is needed for Joanna’s yard and home, so that she can have instant access to the many and varied magical and emotional benefits intrinsic to unicorn ownership.

Specialist report:

This request is medically necessary for the following reasons:
1) It will, or is reasonably expected to, reduce or ameliorate the physical, mental, or developmental effects of an illness, injury, or disability.
And
2) It will assist the individual to achieve or maintain maximum functional capacity in performing daily activities, taking into account both the functional capacity of the individual and those functional capacities that are appropriate for individuals of the same age.

• First, and most obvious benefit to owning a (flying) unicorn is the immediate removal of traffic from Joanna’s life. As we all know and hate giving our lives away to sitting in traffic, it is obvious that this will be a benefit to Joanna’s mental and emotional health as well as save her a (unicorn) crapload of time.
• Unicorns historically have been known to be able to remove toxins and poisons from drinks, so Joanna would, of course, be safe to drink pretty much anything at this point. If she’s lucky and she looks around real hard for the right kind of unicorn, she might also get the calorie-deletion benefit that would allow her all-she-can-drink milkshakes and pumpkin spice lattes without any (cough) repercussions.
• It’s debatable, but different sources cite that unicorns can heal wounds and illnesses… with the touch of their horn, a teardrop, etc. As a mother, this catch-all for any and all childhood boo-boos is definitely awesome. It must be agreed, however, that she be allowed regular sick leave for herself and her family despite never being sick again. TV days and snuggling in sweat pants all day must remain a part of Joanna’s sensory diet.
• I haven’t even touched upon how beneficial the simple presence and appearance of a unicorn in Joanna’s home and yard will be for her well-being. It needn’t be harped upon since I’m sure we all can imagine.
• For more and various uses for unicorns, see the book, 101 Ways to Use a Unicorn, by Rob Pearlman.

Alternate options tried but deemed unequal:
a. Dog (tongue!)
b. Cat (attitude)
c. Chicken (peckishness)
d. Fish (lack of feet)
e. Rhinoceroses (no magical abilities)
f. Etc.

Item specifics:
One or a pair of healthy, immortal, drop-dead gorgeous unicorn(s)
Cost is priceless plus incalculable shipping and handling for a total of the gross national debt. Nobody in government seems concerned about that, so I doubt you will either.
Details for the capturing of a unicorn can be found here: http://www.epochcatcher.com/blog/2015/4/how-and-where-to-find-unicorns
(The article notes that if a fair maiden is not around to attract one, watch for a rainbow and have a pumpkin spice latte handy)

p.s. I strongly suggest you do not google for “how to find a unicorn.” Some people don’t know what that word really means.

Image of unicorn:

Appearance is varied, but below are a few appropriate examples:

Should you have any questions regarding these recommendations, please do not hesitate to call me at (xxx) xxx-xxxx. Thank you for your cooperation and assistance in this manner.