First off, have you ever noticed that “today” misspelled is “toady?”
The subjects are how to get your baby to sleep well and vaccinations.
When I go to our Bradley get-togethers, I feel in the middle sometimes. (Bradley: the birthing class we took – there are three couples, including us, in our class) On one side of me, there are Ben and Stacey who aren’t bothered by crying and who let Maddie cry til she sleeps when nap time rolls around. On the other side of me are Josh and Chelsea who can’t stand to listen to Cana crying and wait for her to fall asleep without crying. Then there’s us – and I don’t think we really fit into either of those categories.
The CIO (cry-it-out) debates on my babycenter board are pretty volatile… on both sides of this debate are some deep-rooted and serious beliefs. Discussing how you put your baby to sleep is akin to talking about religion or politics at the dinner table. Perhaps that’s why I was never able to settle comfortably into one of the prevalent sleeping “techniques” of today; everybody I read disagreed so vehemently that if I was a less matter-of-fact person, I am sure I would have been left scared to let my baby sleep at all! 🙂
I have acquired a lot of respect for all the different sleeping paradigms out there. I can understand why some people say that letting babies CIO is cruel and teaches your baby that they’ve been abandoned and aren’t protected or cared for. I can see why some people say that not letting a baby cry doesn’t allow babies to learn how to fall asleep on their own and creates needy babies. Some people say don’t pick up your baby now, they need to learn to self-soothe. Other’s say to pick up the baby, because you can’t spoil a baby. I think they are learning all the time… but I don’t think it’s nearly so simple as one way or the other.
When Anna was a newborn (first 6 weeks) she would cry whether we held her or put her down. That was a grueling 6 weeks of hardly any sleep, no rhythm to waking/eating/sleeping and lots of unhappy baby time. We tried to wing it. We really did. We thought that parenting is basically a natural response, especially with babies. Well, after 6 weeks, we decided to get some tips from other parents. At this point I read Babywise. Babywise is the book that some people say tells you to let your baby cry for an hour at 6 weeks old whether or not they’re hungry because, by golly, it’s naptime! Nah. It doesn’t say that at all. Maybe it’s in the interpretation (didn’t I say that this stuff is like religion?).
Anyway, we had already learned that to survive, we sometimes had to lay her down while she was crying. It didn’t make a difference whether I was holding her or not, she was going to cry the same. Here’s what I think we can learn from this: there is crying and there is crying. The older Anna gets, the more distinct the differences in her cry become. Or perhaps my ears are just more trained. In any case, she cries because she is:
tired
grumpy
hurting
mad
scared
surprised
hungry
If she is grumpy and tired, she cries in her crib til she sleeps. It’s that easy – I don’t feel guilty for abandoning her, because she is just experiencing anger at the world for the cruelty of heavy eyelids and fumbling fingers. She sleeps peacefully and if she manages to sleep long enough, she wakes up happy! If she is crying because she is hungry, I catch on eventually and feed her. Then she plays and then sleeps. Do you get where I’m going here? She’s never cried alone for more than 5 or 10 minutes without me checking on her and I’m getting better at guessing the problem so that I can fix whatever is keeping her from her sweet sleep. I’m not saying that other people aren’t doing the same thing in their own way…
Actually, I don’t remember what I”m saying. I think I’m trying to talk about sleeping. Sleeping sounds great. Too bad it’s only 9:30 and I’ve got lots to do. I think I’ll go cry!
Ok, here’s the other subject quick. Immunizations. In our Bradley group, I am the liberal. Anna’s getting all the immunizations when they say to give them to her with the exception of Rotovirus, because I’m uncomfortable with giving her such a new and relatively untried immunization.
Here’s why: Babies immune systems (and adults) are built to respond to a bigillion different “stimuli” (invasive, potentially harmful things… you know, germs!) at any time. Vaccines are germs in a tube that we put into their system on purpose so that they don’t get the terrible diseases they prevent. They work, so far as I know, by introducing small enough amounts of the “bad guys” or dead versions of the bad guys so that our immune systems can develop the right bug-fighting systems so that if they come in contact with it again in the wild, they can fight it off. Just like chicken pox – you get it once then your body can whip it next time.
People worry about autism. I don’t really know why purposeful exposure to bugs causes autism while the common cold an chicken pox doesn’t. I am pretty sure I am over-generalizing here. So, all you who do understand this concern, I do respect your decision in this area – I just land on the other side of the fence after doing research. Speaking of research, I just couldn’t find a scientific-enough book/article on how immunizations cause autism. I know it’s a hard test to conduct. Anyway, so that’s my viewpoint. Hello world, my baby is getting all her shots and they aren’t delayed. I’m ok with that.
Yeah but do you know what else is in that vaccine besides just the germ? Like human diploid cells (originating from human aborted fetal tissue)?
http://www.mercola.com/2001/mar/7/vaccine_ingredients.htm
That is just plain wrong! In many cases the vaccine additives are far more toxic than the viral component.
I like this web sight that tries to just give you the facts. What are the vaccines made with and what have been the reactions.
http://thinktwice.com/
Not to mention, you have to remember that most vaccine research is funded by the vaccine makers themselves! If you ask me, it all comes down to making more money. And I think the vaccine companies exposed themselves when they created a vaccine for cervical cancer! First of all, cancer isn’t contagious. Second of all they were recommending making it mandatory for BOYS to get it! HELLO!!
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2007/09/18/absurd-vaccine-marketing-cervical-cancer-vaccinations-for-boys.aspx
Anyway, I think being educated is the wisest thing you can do. I am glad that you care enough to research it. 😉
hahaha. well, i’m glad you’re ok with that. if you did something you wren’t ok with i’d be worried. i’m on the other side of the fence. i’m like, if he’s born with it he keeps it, if he’s not then he’s not getting it…at least not right now. and crying?? who knows. i let him cry until i think that the neighbors are reporting me for neglect. 🙂 or until i realize that it’s been 2.5 hours since i fed/changed him. i have gone for a while letting him cry just cause i was so frustrated with him i couldn’t trust myself to pick him up. :/
ug. he fell asleep before our walk. walk postponed or cancelled. that’s ok. i’d rather him sleep than get me skinny again. NOT! darn, that means i have to do situps. i’m determined to lose my tummy by nov. 3 or whenever the ball is. i want a skinny girl dress! 😛 i’m so vain.
love ya rae. i’m working on a letter to you. it’s not as great as a box but it will have to do. unless you just want a box. 😉
em
Rachel, I don’t think it’s about if you VAX or don’t VAX. You did your research and made the best educated decision for your family. Alot of people don’t even know they have a choice to vaccinate. I vaccinate, just on my own delayed schedule and no chicken pox. And as for crying, only you and Brian knows what’s best in each situation for Anna. I think you are both wonderful parents! I am also in the “middle” when it comes to many attachment parenting issues amongst my friends.
The only thing I will say about vaccines is that your last paragraph commenting on autism is flawed. I won’t go into detail on the whole vax thing, because I don’t want to cause a whole debate here. 🙂 But I will say that I know a child who’s severe autism was diagnosed by her doctor as being vaccine induced. (I don’t think ALL autism is vaccine induced however) P.S. I still respect your decision to vax, just had to say that one thing. 🙂
About crying, it’s not that we can’t stand to listen to her cry, it’s just that it’s not neccesary. She takes 2 naps a day and goes to bed each night. She falls asleep nursing or cuddling in my arms, no crying involved. Sometimes she gets fussy when she is getting tired, but that’s when I pick her up and all is well again. Of course when she was a newborn she cried alot more, newborns do that. And she went through a phase (at about Anna’s age) where she fought sleep so hard and didn’t want to give up and there was more crying involved there, but with Cana she doesn’t just fall asleep after a few minutes of crying, she needs to be comforted. I’m sure if I left her for long enough she would exhaust herself to sleep, but is that really a good thing? People have asked me if I am an Attachment Parent. I didn’t even know what that was! The way I care for Cana is instinctual. If she is crying, I as her mother want to tend to her. That’s basically it. I thought you did just fine putting Anna down for her nap at our place, she was upset and fighting sleep but you stayed with her until she was safe and sound in bed. Nothing wrong with that! I truly am sorry if you felt stuck in the middle when we get together, but honestly being right in the middle is alot safer grounds than being on the outside like us! It seems like you and Stacey have more in common in how you deal with your babies and sometimes I feel like you two think I must be stupid for doing things the way we do them. I, too, do not think it is as simple as one way or the other, as you said. Every single baby is different and every single day is different! We all do what we feel is best, and we all make mistakes along the way. Hopefully we are learning as much as the babies are. 🙂
P.S. I hope that came across well. Sometimes typing can be deceiving, to the typer and the reader! Just so ya know, I love you and am so glad that we were in the same birth class together! I hope we can all continue to get together for a long time despite differences in parenting styles! (((HUG)))
I know i’m not a mother…but still…..
Actually when I babysit I don’t usually put the baby down for a nap they usually just end up falling asleep in my arms but of course I am capable of holding a baby for hours on end while doing everyday things 😀
Other then that I really have no opinion on this topic because I swing both ways depending on my mood.
♥
Chelsea (and other interested parties),
There is so much I keep wanting to say, but when I sit down to type, most of it goes away from my brain. I am regretting writing that post a bit. We have all gotten along really well, despite our differences and the tone of my post and its content were a catalyst for arguments. I am lucky to have the friends I do, who have more tact and understanding than me, or else I think I must have alienated all of them throughout my foot-in-mouth experiences over the years.
I think Kim was right in saying that we all just have to do the best we can. We need to do the research and make our decision… and respect the decisions that others make. None of us was handed a manual with our babies with the definite answer in it… to do the MMR vaccine separate, together, at what age or at all. I wish! I want you to know that I respect your decisions with your babies and that I try to learn when listening to and participating in discussions about all these controversial topics.
We have had lots of subjects come up that could have made each of us feel uncomfortable or judged. Where we had our babies, how we had our babies, what we feed them, when we feed them, what shots they get, where they sleep, how much they sleep, how long they cry, how big or how clean our homes are, for goodness sakes! I mean, if you look at them all together like that, it is even more obvious to me that these aren’t things that make or break a relationship! All three of our babies are thriving and healthy and happy… and if any of them were to have struggles… hey, we’ll all be there at some point in our parenting journey and I know that we’ll all be doing the best we can.
In reference to the crying/sleeping discussion, I don’t feel, “stuck in the middle.” I think a better way to put it would be that I recognize differences between each of us. And I do think that we are all becoming more in tune with our kiddos and getting better at taking care of them. I don’t know if I can keep up with the incredible rate Anna’s learning, though! She is amazing! I can’t believe that she’s gone from not recognizing much but nursing and not being able to move at will to sitting up on her own, playing with toys, rolling around and smiling and talking. I just love it.
I wondered if you felt like you were the “odd one out” yourself when it comes to sleeping. Since both Stacey and I’s routine’s involve some crying and yours doesn’t. Frankly, I think that yours has got to be the better way! Hearing Anna cry is draining and difficult. When we started this learning experience, I was grasping at straws a bit and only over time have things evolved to a pattern with us. Wake up, eat, play, play, get whiney, lay down, fuss to sleep or fall asleep right away. The better my timing is, the less fuss there is. I also wanted her to be able to sleep on her own. It was really important to me that she sleep in her crib. I MISS her being with me. I wish I had more snuggly times with her sleeping in my arms. As time goes on, we’re getting more flexible… but here I think you traded the freedom of Cana in her crib for snuggly, happy times. I’m happy for you. 🙂
I’m not going to get back into the vaccine thing. It’s too big a subject. I was too flippant and casual in my remarks in the original post. Just let me say that I am happy to listen to and participate in discussions – I am interested to hear new information and I’m not uncomfortable.
btw – Hollie, I wasn’t trying to block your comment – my computer thought you might be spam. hehe
Thanks for your response Rachel. I’m sending you a big fat HUG!
(((HUG)))