Humble Pie

A year ago, Jordan learned how to sign “eat!” We had been teaching him “eat” for 18 months. Since then, he has weeks and months where he signs perfectly, seeming to be communicating that he would like another bite. But every few days or months, he can’t sign eat but will only sign “drink” for days on end. Also, he spends a lot of time signing “eat” compulsively the whole time he’s eating his meal… less like he is trying to communicate. When you feed your son three times a day and he signs eat before each bite, this learning and unlearning is frustrating and makes you feel like a failure. And it’s hard to hold the bowl, the spoon and do hand over hand. Just saying.

Two years ago, Jordan was just learning to crawl and to stand. He was very withdrawn but could be taken most places without too many meltdowns. A year ago, Jordan was walking (slowly) and more engaged, causing it to be harder to go places without it being overwhelming. (Good and bad, right!?) This year, Jordan can run (more or less) is physically much bigger and has definite opinions about where he doesn’t want to go. I can’t just put him on my back so easily since he is so big… I am going to look into carriers for larger children, but I don’t know if they work for the child who is trying to escape. It is hard on a parent’s self confidence to look at the future and be wondering if you will be physically capable of keeping your child safe. It’s a blow to do a google search for safe restraining holds. And it can be crushing to see your son hurting and upset or terrified and have no power to comfort them. (Sometimes we can comfort him, sometimes we can distract him, sometimes… we can’t.)

Jordan didn’t use to communicate at all. Then he regained passive communication (crying when sad, smiling when happy, trying to get what he wants, etc.). Now, he is beginning to try to directly communicate. Unfortunately, the attempts are generally not received well by me: head butting, slapping faces, pulling hair, screaming, grabbing… I can usually remember that it is good he is trying and try to teach him the proper way to ask. It’s just… well, it took 18 months to teach him to sign eat, so I am a little discouraged.

When Jordan is experiencing illness or pain, we don’t know what’s wrong. We play a guessing game, wondering if the unusual crankiness or aggression is because of lack of sleep, an injury somewhere, a headache/toothache/sore throat/earache. Case in point: Jordan had strep throat three times in a row this spring. Not once was he diagnosed by us or the doctor until Maggie got it and she could communicate that her throat hurt. Now, it would have helped if he had gotten a proper fever like you’re supposed to when you have Scarlet Fever! Thankfully, he drinks medicine real well, so both he and Maggie are well again.

I hesitate to share this video of Jordan crying… but I think it will help you understand. I took the video, not knowing what else to do… wondering if I could show it to somebody and ask for help. Look at him looking right at me (yay! Great eye contact! Great looking to me for help!). Now imagine that he does not want to be held, touched, picked up, sung to or fed. All I could do was ask him to stay in a safe place and not throw himself around, hurting both him and me. He cried for about an hour. The next day Maggie had Strep Throat and we found out Jordan had it too. Poor boy.

The last several months with the strep throat keeping Jordan from being 100% tricked me into believing that he is never happy and that I’m a failure as a parent. Getting behind on housework and yardwork and feeling tired and muddled all the time is so discouraging. (Even with Carolyn sleeping better lately, I have trouble with memory and a foggy head most days starting about lunchtime.) I became snappy and crabby and impatient with the kids, with very little reserve left to absorb the daily challenges. Mealtimes with Jordan when he couldn’t sign… or when he misbehaved in the same way over and over (eating dirt, climbing into unsafe areas, knocking stuff off my desk, turning on the bathtub…) were frequent triggers that made me feel angry and then guilty and then hopeless on a regular basis.

I have three other little kids too and I know…. at least I believe I ought to be handling things better. I want to. I want to be patient, gentle, loving, generous and close to and with all my kids. And though Brian assures me that I’ve really been doing a good job, I doubt it. I see my failures in glaring clarity. I call out to God for supernatural aid and it’s like He is waiting for something before He answers. I don’t know what.

I did something… two somethings, unspeakably humbling this month. Maybe they shouldn’t be so humbling… but for me, it was. I called a counselor. I went and spent an hour talking with her. I would like to go back weekly… have to look at the budget first. Having a little direction from the counselor, I then scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor to talk about medications for anxiety and depression. I filled that prescription, but our first choice had the side affect of keeping me awake. (bupropion) Next I will try Prosac. I don’t want people to know I take Prosac! I want to be successful all on my own. But I hate to be secretive. So here I am. Blogging. Blasting shame away from me by not hiding. (Thanks, OneThankfulMom… I appreciate you)

I don’t know if I can post this blog online. It’s all about my failure to love my son like he deserves and about the ways I don’t measure up. Here goes.

Next post: simplifying your life… process for the overwhelmed