Dreamseekers and Company

Daniel learned that hands are not safe in those 4 1/2 years at the orphanage. He flinches, squeezes his eyes shut and hunches his head between his shoulders if we move quickly or reach for him unexpectedly. He does the same thing when he’s being naughty and we approach him.

He also panics any time he feels his needs won’t be met. He can’t have a toy? Panic. He can’t listen to the radio right now? Panic. It’s going to be 30 seconds to microwave lunch before he can eat? Panic. Panic looks like screaming and it looks like self harming and it looks like a tantrum.

We’ve been teaching him words to help. We tell him, “You are safe. Mama is taking care of you. Mama loves you. It will get better.”
It makes me proud and it tears my heart out when he repeats it back: “Daniel safe. Mama take care of you. Mama love you. Soon it be better.”

Babies shouldn’t have to learn how to feel safe.

Another foster/adoptive mama shared this with me today. I love it.

Isaiah 55 NLT
Isaiah 55 KJV

If you don’t read any of this, at least listen to this song and turn it up when the music gets quiet.
The Sower’s Song (Andrew Peterson)

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void… – Isaiah 55:11a

So: Like the rain and the snow that comes down from heaven. A gift from God that gives us life.
shall: Not maybe: certainly. His power is absolute.
my: By the authority of God almighty.
word: The living word of God, by which all things were made, who is Jesus Christ. A fire in our bones.
be: that which is from the beginning, is in the present, and it is our future.
that: Wait for it, what is going to happen?
goeth: It goes, it’s active, working, doing. God’s word is not a passive thing.
forth: A light from God to us! For our benefit.
out: This word comes out of God to us.
of: It is of God.
my: It is God’s word and not another’s.
mouth: Everything from the mouth of God is good.
it: His Word is not to be refused. His Word is stronger.
shall not: when God spoke from Sinai no one could listen. When spoken at the last will shake the earth. Who can fight against His word?
return: As His word will return, so should we.
unto me: His Word returned to His right hand.
void: His Word has done, is doing, and will do, all that He has in mind.

I once stood on a rock behind a big waterfall. I could feel the cold spray on my face, all I could see was rushing water falling past me and I could feel it pounding on the rocks. The word of the Lord is like that waterfall. It rushes to the edge, it falls with power and shakes the earth. It overwhelms all and nothing can stop it.

The LORD has spoken! – Isaiah 25:8

And the last enemy to be destroyed is death. – 1 Cor 15:26

And: The context is talking about the second coming of Christ. He will come, and He will destroy all other powers, and He put all His enemies under His feet, and He will hand the kingdom over to God the Father, but not before that kingdom is complete and all His enemies are defeated.

the: This enemy is a thing, a physical and spiritual reality. A thing that has being and can be unmade. God who is the maker of all things has the power to unmake them. That which is, can be made to not be.

last: There are other enemies before this one that Christ will subjugate. His victory will be total. When He has lined them all up and knocked them all down, when He has finally broken the sinners inside His saints, when He has crushed the unrepentant rebels, captured and bound the demons, crushed the serpent under His foot, and laid waste to hell there will be one thing left to do. He will not leave it undone.

enemy: He has enemies. There are abstract enemies: the curse on creation, the inexorable march of entropy. There are personal enemies: people who have nursed their rebel hearts into open violence against God and His people. Satan and his followers are beings who actively (but futilely) work against the designs of God. There are intimate enemies: My body is a rebel against God’s order as it fails to function as He designed. Even my natural thoughts and desires are His enemies.

to be: This will be done. We have assurance by two things that cannot change, that God has the power to do all He says and that what He says, He will do.

destroyed: Utterly. No mercy, no quarter. In the end death itself will be ended. There will be no remnant of His enemies because all His chosen will be utterly His. The kingdom will be complete and everything outside will be destroyed.

is death: Death infects the world. All is trending toward destruction. It is the fundamental law of the universe. Death rules over mankind. Violence is everywhere. Death rules in my heart. I try to straighten out what sin has bent and it is imperfect at best. Who will deliver me?

We are not brave and stoic soldiers who are making a last desperate stand. We are not terrified into despair and hiding. We are not alone in the void.

We are assured of victory. As we follow Christ we will watch as He cuts down His enemies one by one. At the last the only thing in His way will be death itself and it too will be unable to stand before the one who has overcome the world. Take heart! Oh Victory in Jesus! I can’t wait for Him to give me a new heart! A new body! And for His reign to never end!

I reviewed where the girls are at for school this year. In most subjects, they’re about 1/3 of the way through, which is nice, but I don’t like to draw school out quite as long into the spring as traditional school, so I had hoped we were further along than that. I went through each of the girls’ school subjects one by one to see how far along they were and considered each of the subjects to decide how important they were.

*Daniel is standing and leaning on the back of the recliner in my bedroom…. rocking, rocking, rocking and the two younger girls have started school in the bed behind me.*

Anyway, I cut a few subjects that had become stressful instead of instructive and beefed up on subjects that have been great, but which need more attention in order to finish. I love the freedom to adjust and shift as needed… as I decide. Washington state’s homeschool laws are wonderful for giving me the freedom to instruct my children as they need, rather than based upon a standardized rulebook. (There are guidelines and rules, but they are not constrictive!)

*This blog is just me trying to type as I think. I’m afraid I don’t have a cohesive thought I’m trying to communicate today. Simply exercising the discipline of writing until I have my footing here at the blog again.*

Jordan is practicing ABA therapy five days a week at home for 3 hours a day. He’s learning some constructive communication, for which I am so incredibly grateful. It’s hard to have a stranger in my house so much of the time, but it’s gone just about as well as it possibly could. Hmm. I want to articulate a struggle that most people wouldn’t be aware of for this situation. To appreciate the struggle, you must first be aware of a flaw in modern Child Protective Services. CPS caseworkers who receive a call that needs to be investigated arrive at a home with two things that are very problematic: They arrive with the assumption of guilt and they arrive with power to remove children from their parents without any due process.

That’s terrifying. CPS is staffed by regular people. Who don’t always make the right decision.

Anyway – the unexpected burden of parenting children with special needs and accepting regular therapies in our private home – is the fear that CPS will be called on us by the therapists. It’s happened to us before once and all special needs parents are aware that it happens FAR more often for people of our type than to families who don’t experience special needs. There is a constant battle to maintain personal self confidence and maintain the dignity of regular, sometimes messy human existence when anything could be used against us.
Jordan wears pajamas 24/7. Will that makes somebody think that he’s less loved, less provided for, in trouble? (He wears PJs to maintain his dignity and our property’s integrity… it prevents him from stripping and having potty accidents all over.)
We have five children and three dogs… there is always dirt and hair and clutter in some percentage of our home. Will they consider that unsanitary?
We are not a zero-spanking home. Our children’s safety and emotional well-being is very important to us. We have gone to the ends of the earth to redeem and protect our children. But if we ever employ corporal punishment in the presence of a therapist, will they report us for abuse?
The list goes on. We hope that the professionals we work with will see us with respect. We hope that they (and you) will think carefully before using a broken system like CPS to check on safety and well-being concerns.

*Wow, that got heavy fast.*

Friendship is precious. Protect it.

Marriage is a treasure. Nurture it.

Fatigue is my companion. Umm…. pray for rest?

I like to knit. I want to create leather bracelets, but I’m struggling to have brain-space to apply myself creatively.

Can a person develop sensory processing disorder? Can a person become more impacted by autism… or “become” autistic? These are things I wonder about myself!

Why don’t girls get diagnosed with autism as easily as boys?

I hate gaslighting.

I love honesty.

So long for now!

‘Twas a (nearing) dark and (two days before a) stormy night and I had just braved the pre-storm grocery store and went to a nice trail for a walk. When I came back, my window was broken, my purse gone, and my credit card used. Boo.

Hello!

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged with any sort of familiarity or “presence” here at our blog. You know, we’ve had this website since before we got married… 2004? I’ve missed having a place to think through current events, my Mom has missed having a reliable place to see my latest updates since exiting Facebook, and I want to have my growth and my family’s growth reflected here for my children to look at when they are grown and starting out on their own themselves. Besides, when I want to get on a soapbox, this is my own personal soapbox space! Why would I ever leave it? haha

I’m in a cheerful mood this afternoon. That’s always a nice place to be. My mood is variable and just as often unrelated to life circumstances as it is because of life circumstances. The fate of many women, I think. I never, until I was about 30 years old, experienced significant depression or anxiety or melancholy or irritability or significant fatigue or any level of PTSD. Now, though, as a 36 year old woman with five children and a life consumed by special needs and real life challenges…. well, they are my close companions. I am trying to live with sorrow and suffering as companions instead of enemies (drawing from one of my favorite books, an allegorical book called “Hinds Feet on High Places” by Hannah Hurnard), but I am regularly overcome by circumstances instead of triumphant.

So! It’s January of 2020. We went to an Oregon beach house as a family for four nights and made many memories… some joyful and some difficult. We had hoped that our two boys would love their time there, but between their history of trauma and subsequent fear levels combined with their autism… well… it was a disaster for them and it took exhaustive measures on the part of me and Brian to keep them safe until we could bring them home to recover. The girls had a blast, I think. On the last night, I sat in the hot tub with my daughters… warm and comfortable with the 50 degree wet beach air around our heads. And I gave permission to my girls to run and jump in the ocean and run back. The crazy children did that THREE TIMES before they were too cold to repeat it. I did not join them.

We’ve had about a month off of schoolwork and I spent today reviewing how it’s been going and setting up for starting school again tomorrow or next Monday. I’m not quite prepared, so we will see when they launch. I have a lot of work to do to prepare for Daniel’s April trip to the hospital back east for more treatment on his feet. I have planned to do that this week. I also have multiple auto repair efforts to make… a transmission going bad (and no great transmission shop I trust to take it to) and a broken window (somebody stole my purse and broke my window!) and Brian’s new car needs a few repairs too. And our floors are disgusting. Having a German Shepherd indoors means hair everywhere all the time… but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with it. Jordan has therapy every morning for three hours (at home) mixed in with that, so you know… I will be struggling to feed and clothe myself between all these other things.

That’s all for today. I hope I’m able to come back for more, light-hearted, every-day blogging in the near future. Here are some photos from December and Christmas! Probably some beach photos from January too.

Carolyn’s break:

Maggie’s break:

Me too:

Daniel and his blender and Brian and his coding: