A few things I want to share after yesterday’s blog post…
Brian came home early and I went for a walk/jog and it lifted the emotional weight quite a bit.
I woke up this morning and wondered if I had made up all that stuff yesterday.
By late morning, I could taste it again and as the day continues, the battle for my thoughts and emotions becomes more pitched.
I am not surprised by any of this… but it doesn’t exactly make it easier.
The physical and emotional strain of adoption is real and it takes its toll. It’s completely worth it. Every bit. We’re only doing what we’d want done for ourselves if we were in our kids’ shoes. Actually, we’re doing less than that, but we’re trying to do what we can. We don’t have any regrets and we don’t feel particularly special or noble or anything for being parents. Daniel needed a family. We needed a Daniel. But love and relationships aren’t born in a moment. Neither is learning to live together. Throw in some medical and health challenges, jet lag, doctors orders and the usual life stresses of being the “adult” in a house full of children and… well, you can see, perhaps, why my emotional stability is gone.
I am proud of us. I am proud of me. I am proud of Daniel. I’m proud of Anna, Jordan, Maggie and Carolyn. We can do hard things.
And sometimes we crash and burn.
So here I sit, in the middle of my brokeness and I want to thank each of you who have commented, prayed and offered help. I am accepting help. I am so grateful. You all spoke words of truth and solidarity to me when my mind couldn’t hear it. It hurt. It still does. I’ll keep taking one step at a time and one day at a time. One meal at a time. One diaper at a time. It’s step by step to the other side where the whole world isn’t consumed by the present moment.
That’s it. Clarity over!