Living My Dream… And Miserable

I wonder if either part of the title surprises you… that I’m living my dream in having three young kids and one on the way, not pursuing a career and depending totally on my husband… or that I might be struggling or miserable. This is a post that I could have written most poignantly a month or two ago when I was honestly very miserable. But I couldn’t. I try to be honest on this blog, but it just doesn’t appeal to me to write about the things that are ugly or the things that I am struggling with. That… and sometimes it’s just too private. I like to share my successes, my passions, my experiments and excitement and just the thoughts of motherhood.

This week I am feeling amazing. This week I am living my dream and I am on cloud NINE! Nineteen! Nine thousand! God is so good and life is great and the weather has just been fabulous! (That’s how good I’m feeling – the nutty weather still looks beautiful to a person in my frame of mind.) I’m so proud of my children. I have hope for parenting struggles and puzzles to work out. My husband continues to impress and amaze me daily and continues to get more and more handsome every day. (stand back, ladies!!!) I can think of no better use of my time than to manage my husband’s household and train up our children. I am so very grateful that I do not have to “go to work” but that I am blessed to spend each and every day with my children. For two weeks, joy has been mine. Two weeks ago, the morning sickness ended.

Morning sickness lasted six weeks. I know that’s not too bad… I was sick from week six until week 12. But let me put it this way – if you are a primary care giver for three young children and you get the flu, you call your husband home and he cares for you and the children for a few days. I did that on day four of morning sickness. But… he didn’t exactly have six weeks of sick leave. I began to sink into depression. And even the most amazing husband in the world can’t carry everything, including the mood for well over a month. Why am I sharing this? I’m not entirely sure… maybe because I’ll go through another rough season and I’ll want to look back and see that rough seasons do end. Maybe it will encourage somebody else. Maybe because I felt a little bit wrong sharing only everything wonderful here while really I was struggling. I am not sure… I just want to be real. And thankfully, I’m writing this from “the other side.”

I struggled with anger at the kids. And spending all day just waiting for the day to end. Have you ever done that? I’ve done it far too often, and it happened frequently during my period of morning sickness. Hours. Hours and hours and hours of just waiting for time to pass so I could go to bed. Not playing with the kids. Not even reading with them. Wanting nothing but to be in the future and the misery just a memory. The nausea was almost constant, but not quite. Being with friends seemed to help… something about the small adrenaline boost from being out and about? I spent far too much time on the computer. Nothing to do here… but just the same, it helped the hours to pass. No school was done, little cleaning was done, as little cooking was done as was possible.

So that was my six weeks. In a nutshell. That is, that was my six weeks in terms of my failures. But there were bright spots – when friends or family came to visit, when we ran to the beach with friends, when food showed up on our doorstep, when friends came and blessed me and my children by playing with and enjoying them. Over and over, the Lord showed Himself faithful to us and full of grace and mercy. I was hanging on Him and believing His promises, but I didn’t exert the energy or find the determination to change my circumstances. It was a time of dependence and patience.

Then the sun came out. That is, the nausea has retreated to being an only occasional and small guest, not cramming the room with its presence any more. And I needed to make a change. The biggest change was I wanted to spend time with my children and love them. To love being with them. To do STUFF with them. To play with them and talk with them and enjoy them. The biggest practical barrier? The computer. My time on it had skyrocketed. So I did something drastic. I asked Brian to please put a password on my computer. That’s right, I asked him to lock me out. I wasn’t strong enough. Bless him, he didn’t laugh at me at my humbling request. And he did it. For two weeks, I haven’t had access to my own computer without permission and help. We removed the password yesterday… I hope I am able to keep my computer privileges.

Because it has been wonderful to be alive again.