I wonder if this post will be misinterpreted. Hopefully not!
I don’t struggle with
his Down Syndrome.
He learns more slowly, he’s not potty trained yet, he is not verbal, he eats baby food, he is rather stubborn… he loves water, he teaches himself new things all the time (he taught himself to lay on his belly in the tub and blow bubbles), he loves to be tossed into the air by his Papa, he loves visitors, because they usually play with him and he is happy to see me when I come to get him out of his crib every morning.
I don’t struggle with
Jordan.
Certainly not! He is one funny little guy! His personality is endearing. His determination is inspiring. His curiosity is expanding. Oh no, I don’t struggle with who Jordan is.
I struggle with…
my inability to help him when
he begins to cry while eating a meal
my inability to reach him when
he is rocking in his crib
my inability to protect him when
he rocks, rubs, bangs, chews and hurts himself through the long nights
and in the daytime too
It’s such a helpless, hurting feeling to see your child struggling and not know how to help. To feel powerless. And to feel like I ought to be trying harder, but to have limited resources (my personal energy).
I’m gearing up for pouring more into my little boy. I might try a Gingko supplement. I might try a significant diet change. I will pursue therapies to help him with development, especially communication.
But for now, I am pouring into my newborn. It’s her turn right now for the lion’s share of mommy. And I’m trying not to feel guilty about that. About how EASY she is to love. No cold, smelly, slimy fingers. No fear of relational closeness. No sores or fragile-wet skin displaying my failure to heal him. Do not misunderstand me. He is my SON. MY son. MY SON! He is who I WANT. He is exactly who he is! And I love him right where he is and as he is. He is precious to me and he possesses the ability to make me smile and feel proud all day long.
It’s just those hurting parts… the parts a parent wants to fix. Those are hard. For him. For me.
Trusting my Father, the Great Physician, the perfect Father… who loves him even more than me and who holds the whole world in His completely competent hands. One day at a time. One day at a time.
Oh Rachel, you have spoken words from the secret longing of our hearts…that no child should ever suffer. That we can fix the wrongs done by others. That our little ones are challenging by action and by nature. What an encouragement this is to hear from a mother who I admire so much for having it all together!
I will pray for you, Rachel. It’s a tough road raising special needs kids, but as you also know, it’s an incredible road too. God has taught me so much through my kids, mostly how utterly dependent I am on Him. You’re doing a great job!
Rachel,
Rex displayed a lot of the same behaviors and on occasion still does, but there was a very sharp decrease once Rex gained communication skills. Even just being able to sign eat, music, and I forget what his third sign was made such a huge impact on his comfort, confidence, and happiness. Rex now has about 18 signs and two very new spoken words (ball, go). Have you tried ASL with Jordan?
I have also heard that fish oil is quite helpful in “lubing” those little brains to work better, particularly for speech, so it might be worth a try. They make yummy orange or lemon flavors for kids that you can easily stir into yogurt or smoothies. I am horrible at remembering supplements for my kids on a regular basis, but when I do, I add them into their food.
Hang in there!
Dear Rachel, please do not feel the slightest bit of guilt for taking a break from working on therapy, etc, for a period of time! Jordan is not in an orphanage; he is HOME with his Daddy and Mommy and sisters, being loved, having all his needs met, and THRIVING. Feeding issues can be some of the toughest! You are doing a hard job and doing it well! Congratulations on your precious new daughter. ((((((Gentle hug for a new mommy)))))))
This is so, so beautiful. The way you ache for Jordan, God aches for us. You are mirroring our Creator, Rachel!
Rachel,
So well put. We struggle with the same things. It is so very hard.
Mary
Rachel,
This was beautifully written. Please know we will be praying for you as you try to balance it all. I am very blessed to be able to hear and learn a little bit about what the struggle is like for you….knowing that Joseph will be home shortly after we have our new little one as well.
I’m sure that your doing so much better than you feel like you are…because you’re a loving mom and you want so much for him. Because you care that much, you are already ahead of any orphanage life he could have. He has you!
Praying for energy and peace and all the good things you need!
Kimberly
Much love to you and prayers for God’s continued leading and guiding. You are a great Mom. Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed when I look at the big picture. Sometimes it just helps to think of one specific little thing I CAN do to help.
You are doing a great job! You have more “priorities” than any human being can adequately address at once. Just keep plugging along. Your children are all happy and loved, and that’s wonderful! I understand where you’re coming from though, and I’ve come to accept that it’s just “part of the territory” of special needs adoption. Don’t feel guilty about it. You’ll get to everything eventually and in the meantime you’re loving all of your children as they need to be loved. I find your story and parenting style inspirational. Thanks for blogging!
This is how this post ‘came off’ to me: that you are loving, caring, compassionate and human! I loved this post, because one day we also want to adopt a special needs child (or two) and I want to know the reality of how that may be, the beauty of it and the hard parts of it. Thank you for sharing this!
This is precious, what a sweet, sweet post. The Lord is at work in your family and you are exactly right about your ability to lean on Him. He is holding Jordan in His hands. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing this!