On Burnout

Until I was 30, I didn’t have experience with burnout. And I didn’t get a trophy when I did, either… so if you haven’t walked these roads, I would encourage you to not come. 🙂 I have spent the last six years learning how to live with, deal with, recover from, and respond to burnout or it’s near presence.

I am mid-burnout right now. I cannot usually write about it when I’m experiencing it… but this time, at least this morning, it’s not accompanied by the blanket of heavy depression. This morning is the most energetic and the clearest-headed I’ll be today. And I want to try and talk about burnout, because I shared my symptoms on facebook yesterday and multiple people have reached out to me personally with a kind word and even a few offers of practical support. Thank you.

Burnout. So. Stress. That thing that happens in our bodies when things are challenging. It can be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual challenge. It can be a mild stressor, causing just a figurative increase in heart rate… such as Daniel repeatedly interrupting me as I try to type this. It can be a moderate stressor… either a combination of needs at once or a larger stressor. Let’s see, an example of moderate stress for me would be taking Daniel to a medical appointment. It takes more time, causes more worry, requires more mental energy and leaves me tired afterward. Then there is significant stress or severe stress – an event that, regardless of how long it lasts, causes all systems to fire, to burn hot, regardless of how much gas is in the tank. Maybe it’s bad news or a hospital stay or an emotional breakdown or an injured child. (edited to add: There is also traumatic stress. Stress, by which it’s very nature, I am unable to bear/process and which may or may not leave the residue of PTSD. I don’t want to talk about that right now.)

Then there is the combination of stressors. If you’re an adult, you will understand this by experience. The breakfast needs to be made. The children need to be dressed. The diapers need to be changed. The garbage needs to be taken out. The prescription needs to be reordered. The child needs driven to the class. The homework needs completed. The bills need to be paid. The floor needs to be vacuumed. The yard needs to be mowed. The diaper needs to be changed again. The snack needs to be prepared. The groceries need to be purchased. The meals need to be made. The broken heart needs to be soothed. The argument/meltdown/cat fight needs to be responded to. The literal cat needs to be wormed. The dogs need their nails clipped….. the list goes on. And the wear and tear of everyday life needs to be managed so that there is time to breathe, to step outside, to do something creative or life-giving to yourself as an individual.

But… here’s the rub. My life (and I know I’m not alone), has been characterized by moderate to severe stress on a daily basis with an unusually high daily stressors load…. for years. Getting my first job was my first introduction to heightened stress that I couldn’t easily say no to. Giving birth to and raising my first child introduced me to around-the-clock caregiving needs. And when my fourth child was born and I had little to no support system back when I was about 30… well, I have struggled to find ways to reduce the stress to manageable levels. I’ve been rather unsuccessful, actually. The stress load HAS been TOO MUCH. My body is absorbing the cost. My mind and spirit and emotions show the signs. I developed depression, began a slow and inexorable weight gain pattern, have painful and migrating inflammation in my joints, developed anxiety, have sensory aversions, succumb daily to mental fog and low energy levels, and frankly, I struggle. This blog is being written, because I had a great weekend, started the week feeling amazing… and subsequently overdid it. Tuesday evening, I couldn’t hardly speak or eat, my brain felt numb and it was difficult to sleep. It’s what happens when I stretch… because I no longer have reserves.

The last six years have provided opportunities for empathy and understanding and growth of wisdom. I have spent lots of time learning strategies for healing and being successful while under prolonged stress. I’ve hired counselors. I’ve taken antidepressants. I’ve fought to make time for exercise. I prioritize sleep at night. Brian and I make time for connection. We say “no” to a lot. And I give myself grace and acceptance for what is broken and what isn’t done. Even important things that aren’t done. And I pray that this is just a season. Our Taekwondo master regularly says that he wants to live to be triple digits and encourages us to live so that we can reach triple digits too. But… I don’t want to. Each day feels a victory. Each day, I’m proud to have made it another day and done it well, or as well as I could. But I would love to lay down my burdens and go to Jesus, to find rest.

Interestingly, and as an aside, in my quest for health, I’ve been listening to a few sermons when I am alone in my space… just knitting. And I’ve started a sermon about peace. The peace of God that passes understanding? And I’ve chosen the word Joy for 2020 and had it confirmed by the Lord. Just this year, He’s given me Hope. Hope when I don’t feel hopeful. Hope OF hope?

Okay – things are getting hairy around here. I need to dress and shower and go to the bathroom and talk to the girls and change a diaper and some other things.

I walk the edge of burnout daily. I have for years. I have hope. We’re not the giving up sort. We fall and we hurt. And we collapse and we weep. And when we can, we get up again.

Brian comes home to work from home this afternoon, because I asked him to and he doesn’t have in-office meetings. If you’re praying for us, pray that he can find a position that is even more supportive of telecommuting.
Tomorrow, I go to an adoptive women’s retreat. If you’re praying, pray that my anxiety will be low and my mind would be clear. Pray that the time will be restorative and that, even apart from Brian’s leveling presence, I will maintain mental health and even grow in closeness to the Lord.
Pray for my children – they are my greatest pride and need their mama.
Pray for my health… the weight gain and inflammation make it hard to exercise… which helps reduce inflammation and weight gain and improves my mental health too.
Pray for my husband – he is my greatest support and he feels the weight and needs restoration as well.

I’m not sure the purpose of writing this now… just to explain? To acknowledge the realities of my life? To show where I am, so that someday I can rejoice in how far I’ve come? To encourage somebody else also walking these deep roads… you are not alone and you are God’s pride. Just keep walking.

He is the God who sees. He sees me. He sees you. He loves you. He’s not the giving up sort either.