The Davis Family

Getting married
Graduation and moving and finding a new church
First baby and first home church
Those things I believed then
About special needs and adoption and those things I believed
Moving and community-searching
Physical breakdown
Being broken meant…
New house, new church… new wounds
New church again and new wounds
Deconstruction
Healing (therapy, medication, selfness…)
The new stuff… who am I?

I’m writing about my journey as me. As Rachel. The whole me. The person I expected to be is not who I am. The person I was told to be, I am not. The person I tried to be, is impossible. Who am I? I have always been me, but I don’t stay the same.

I have experienced a lot of growth lately and I’m struggling to understand what it means and who I am now. To get to know myself better, I am using this blog to do a process of deconstruction and reconstruction… or perhaps it’s better to say that I’ve undergone maintenance (deconstruction and reconstruction) and am now doing an inventory and inspection. I need to name and observe my story to see better where I am now. This is for me.

My adult years are so much more complex than my young years. And I’ve wrestled with and “unpacked” them so much more than recent years. I can review my childhood and put experiences in little “boxes” that make sense to me and which help me to understand why I am who I am now. It’s MUCH harder as I write this next chapter. I’ll probably over-generalize and forget important people and events and offend or hurt people in the process. I’ll do my best to be genuine and honest, because in this process, that’s important for me.

I began my story here – explaining how I became a questioner at a young age. I got as far as my marriage to Brian, my best friend and sincere, loving soul.

After a year of marriage, Brian graduated college, we bought a house in a new town, and I became pregnant! Where Brian’s family was seriously risk-averse and lacked confidence in any of our choices, I remember thinking more along the lines of, “Finally, life is getting a move on!” I was excited and alive, Brian had a much better job than we’d had until then, and life was good.

It was good (GOOD) to spend time together with Brian in our own bubble of acceptance and love and mutual respect. It was a season of validation for me, that there wasn’t anything wrong with us, that we could do this adult thing, that I was desirable and beautiful and smart.

I assumed that most mainstream churches were going to be “fine” since none were perfect and most weren’t going to be as problematic as those I’d been to before. We attended a local Calvary Chapel, because they were just minutes from our house, and attempted to get plugged in, both to the community and to the leadership. It fell really flat. I felt like a number and though it was comforting and familiar to worship there, I was never known. I wasn’t rejected, but neither was I accepted. Our attendance became sporadic.

Our first baby was born. I had developed my first close adult relationship (Hi Hollie!) and followed that strong, tired mama to the place where she had recently found community. There was nobody at Calvary Chapel to tell that we were leaving… and they didn’t have a cry room for those of us with colicky babies, so we just switched. I met my first mama friends! There is something so neat about relationships built from shared experiences. This church had components of many of my earlier churches, but felt so much healthier. Many homeschool families attended, but there was also a private school in the building. Many people had large families, but nobody was expected to “have lots of kids or be less-than.” It was moderately sized, but the pastor took time to learn our names and accepted when we invited him to dinner. This was my first ever and so far my only HOME church. I had my first two babies while there, did short term foster care, and went through our first special needs international adoption process while going there.

There were a lot of things that I believed when I was there. Most of them actively taught at this church. Some I still agree with, but not others. I think many of these beliefs are integral to the conservative white, middle-class Christian’s experience:
Being an involved parent important and valuable
You should nurse your baby discreetly
Being a sincere, church-following parent will reduce the likelihood of your child getting into trouble, turning away from the faith, etc.
Be responsible with your finances and you’ll be okay financially
Be responsible with ______ and you’ll be okay ______
Prayer is powerful
Be diligent with important disciplines
Be intentional about praying for each other
Living a non heterosexual lifestyle is a sin
People who sin by living a non heterosexual lifestyle should experience church discipline, up to and including exclusion from church services and activities
By exclusion, climate change, racism, disability rights, and other progressive social issues are not serious issues

I’m not sure if I can think of more right now. Suffice to say – it was a place where we were supported and welcomed, encouraged and blessed. However, there was very little diversity (of any kind) within the church and I saw struggling people shamed by members of the church for their struggles and little acceptance of anybody who could not hack the expected behaviors and lifestyles. Mental health struggles, chronic illness, and poverty were thing that we should be able to rise above. Our children should be able to sit politely with us in church if we wanted. They should be able to participate in Sunday School. It was and still is a beautiful church family… but I don’t know that my family today would be welcome there.

Let me move on and get back to my story about ME.

Brian and I decided early on to pursue “social justice” in the form of adoption. We provided foster care briefly for several short placements. We went through trainings that opened our eyes to the reality of much deeper social needs than we ever expected to be a part of our lives. And then we decided to pursue adoption.

At one point, we considered adopting a little boy whose file showed a severely neglected little boy in Bulgaria…. only 10 or 15 pounds at five years old. We brought his file into an offered prayer time with elders at church to ask for prayer. This situation was outside of all of our experience and they prayed for us. And… they counseled us to be cautious. They cautioned us about the ramifications on our family to bring somebody so broken into it. They were right, of course. But they were also wrong. At one point, we were asked, “Why don’t you adopt a child that can make more of a difference for the kingdom?” THAT, I was dumbfounded by. Unless dumbfounded means speechless, because I wasn’t and I choked out an admonition that none of us is more or less valuable or important to God!!!

Brian and I spent a lot of time in prayer. And eventually, we were impressed that we should adopt TWO CHILDREN with disability from an orphanage in Bulgaria. It went against everything conservative… it was highly risky. Risky. We could be broken. We could lose the ability to maintain the image of a family who has it together. We would be spending a boat-load of money for just two tiny, broken souls. Inefficient. Not guaranteed. Risky.

And we said yes. They said, “I don’t think it’s wise, but we’ll support you.” We felt loved. I have no advice for anybody considering stepping into risky, scary, life-altering, possibly catastrophic waters except…. suffering and struggling and failure do not mean *wrong.* Serious and never to be done flippantly, but it’s not a-Christian to do hard things. I’m pretty sure most of my Christian heroes lived in the midst of suffering and trial.

Anyway, a week before we flew to Bulgaria, one of our sons-to-be died unexpectedly. Held forever in my heart and never in my arms. The repeated cautions to play it safe felt cold and distant from the love of Jesus when the lack of action caused and continues to cause these children to suffer and die.

A month after our adopted son got home, I became pregnant unexpectedly. And 6ish months after adopting Jordan, while hugely pregnant, we moved over an hour away and lost contact with our church family. We were well beyond over-extended… my son’s special needs meant he was overwhelmed by leaving the house or any changes whatsoever to his routine among other things. We planned to find a church and a supportive community near our new home.

Brian had a huge relief in terms of work stress because of the move and our homeowner stress was also reduced by renting. We had two 2-year-olds and a 5-year old and I was due to give birth any day. Finding a rental and moving homes was very challenging and we arrived totally spent. I was struggling with depression, but didn’t know that’s what it was. I was still trying to do the things that I expected of myself as a homemaker, mother, wife, and citizen. I put out a lot of effort (for years) to develop relationships with local church communities. Brian’s parents were more supportive than early in our marriage… but not available for practical support. It was around this time that my Dad gained freedom from the Two by Two church and in the spiritual-life-explosion between my parents, they moved to Africa for several years to support some communities there! So yeah, they weren’t available to help either.

Burn-out hit and it hit hard.

Before I talk about burnout… and failures by churches and congregations, it’s important that I acknowledge the gift of love and acceptance by individuals at different times. If I don’t mention you, it’s not because your love wasn’t felt. It’s because the part of my story that I’m digging through today is the hard parts. The broken parts. It’s as much about what things were NOT as much as things that were. Hang in there with me. I’m processing this as I go.

We limped. We started attending one congregation, but we got some weird, unhealthy vibes from some leaders and decided we should try elsewhere. (I question whether that was the right choice, but it’s the choice we made.) We visited SO MANY churches for one or more weeks. When we bought a house a year later, we began attending another church due to proximity and a wish for a local community.

Despite all my efforts, we were terribly isolated. Relationships aren’t built in a day. And I discovered that most churches are neither equipped nor supportive in any manner of families that are struggling. At most, it’s acceptable to talk about that stuff in a small group, but don’t bring your upset into the sanctuary. God’s acceptance of our imperfection was sometimes preached, but only as an excuse for not being able to serve. “You’re not Jesus” the church people would say, “You can’t do it all.” Or, “That’s not my gifting” or “Maybe __ can help you, I’ve heard they have some experience with that.” There were “God bless yous” and “You should ask for help” and “Please take your children out of the service” and when we cried for help, nobody came.

Well, I shouldn’t say nobody. Our pantheist neighbor invited our children to play outside in her yard and kept an eye on them when they were outside and was so kind and supportive, babysitting my kids when I asked. Also, before they left for Uganda, my dad came and helped with the kids when Brian and I were too sick to get out of bed. When I went to the chiropractor, somebody who worked there offered to watch my four babies while I was adjusted. The church we almost became a part of sent us meals when my baby was born, even though we were strangers to them. The atheist mother of a friend of mine came and entertained my “big kids” for a few hours multiple times.

It’s not fair to blame church for our suffering. We chose a really hard road. And it’s not fair to say that we were abandoned by church, because we didn’t have established relationships here in the new town. But we struggled to find those who had patience for our long-term struggles and suffering… or who could interact with us with acceptance. Very rarely did we find practical support. Often, we had church leaders and members deliberately push us away. Often, we were a desired body to sit in the pews, but not somebody who was desired to develop a relationship with or relate with outside of Sunday morning. We learned that it was expected for us to handle our own issues without support or even compassion from the institution that prides itself as being the “hospital for sinners.”

Struggles and suffering became as much a part of my life as success and triumph. And success and triumph began to look different to me. And patience (with people and with experiences) developed in me. And compassion became stronger in me. And many doctrines of the Bible and of faith and of how church should look and behave was stripped down and then stripped down again. What things I put on the list of essential doctrine became fewer and fewer and fewer.

And God. What happened with God? He seemed silent. Quiet. Absent, even. Somewhere in the suffering, faith became an exercise of leaning on truths that God is good and God exists and God loves me. And there have been regular cries to Him of, “I trusted you and I took a leap of faith…. I trust that you’ll catch me before I hit the ground!”

Jesus, take the wheel. This is getting so hard to think through.

To be continued…

My faith journey.
My personal journey.
My journey with the church.
On freedom.

Thinking through possible chapters:
My early faith walk.
The first deconstruction.
The teenage years.
As a young adult.
Young married.
The years when things unraveled.
Revisiting beliefs again: social, political, doctrinal

A beautiful, powerful, intelligent, long-time Christian friend of mine hit a stretch of life and had a string of experiences that torched her religion. Right now, and not surprisingly, she no longer claims, nor wishes to be a Christian. That’s strength and honesty, friends, because the tearing down of lifelong belief systems is painful. (I’m proud of you _____! Don’t stop learning and leaning into healing and truth!) I’m also part of a small group where women are processing the deconstruction of their faith. Some are still believers and some are not, but everybody there has had some integral part of their faith decimated. For many, it’s the recognition of wrong social pressures by our/their elders in the faith.

There’s a lot of things we believe, because we’re told to. Deconstruction is the process of pulling things apart to see if the structure is sound.

I feel pulled between different emotional places and schools of thought right now. There’s cynicism and bitterness directed towards everything/everybody religious… and hope and clingy-ness for everything familiar that make it difficult to be thoughtful and to reason honestly. It’s important to allow this process, though… a faith untested by fire is… well, untested. I feel somewhat threatened by this process, but nothing like my friends. This process is familiar to me, but it’s been a long time and I haven’t delved deeply in many years. My history is so much longer now than it was before… I’ve decided that I need to think it through “out loud,” because I am struggling to process it all.

I deconstructed my religion for the first time when I was in first grade.

I assumed my parents were right, that God was real, that the way we did church was normal and ideal, that my elders were right, and that everything would stay the same. When I was in the first grade (That’s about age 6), my mom spoke up… she disagreed with both doctrinal statements and the unquestionable social norms of the church. My dad didn’t agree with her, but my mom stood her ground. And thus, my parents became spiritually divorced. Everything felt normal in our house, a generally functional, healthy, supportive and loving home, but my parents disagreed on “church” so adamantly that we children attended a church with mom one week and a different church with dad the other week.

Here are some things that I had assumed were truth before the split:
God is real
God is good
The Bible is right
My dad’s church is the right church (If you read the wiki, it’s worth looking at the revision history)
Girls should wear skirts and have long hair in buns
I would grow up and “profess” at church
TVs are bad
Prayer should use specific phrases and words (Such as “thee” and “thou” and “Our Father in heaven.”)

It shook my young world to have my parents disagree about something as integral as the Creator of the universe. Also, anybody not part of my Dad’s church, the Two by Twos, was assumed to be going to Hell. As a child, that bothered me a lot… what kind of God is so ungracious to a child who is questioning the legitimacy of a church for good reasons? And yet, my Dad’s earnest devotion to God and what he believed God wished was compelling.

My parent’s marriage survived but their spiritual separation continued for the entire rest of my childhood and is the backdrop of my early spiritual story and is the reason I am a confident and determined challenger of church beliefs and expectations.

I learned: God is no God if He cannot be challenged.

As a child, I decided that I would throw out all religion and start from scratch. I would read every single book on religion and decide what was right. You laugh, because you know that’s impossible, but I didn’t know that. I began… I read a book my mom published about the Two by Twos and a terrifying book about one man’s escape from demonic power as a leader of some part of the New Age movement. I attempted to read the Bible. I also talked at length with my grandfather, who also left the Two by Twos and who welcomed late night conversations with his small grandchild.

And that’s as far as I got. Nevertheless, I decided a few things:
*The spiritual realm is real. (Meaning, we are more than just physical creatures and there are other creatures and powers that exist beyond the physical realm.)
*We and the universe were created (The math-aware side of me finds evolution to be impossible and the created world too marvelous to just *exist*)
*God cannot be evil and must be good (It seems to me that the original state of the universe is good and that it is degrading… and not the other way around.)
*Because the Two by Twos said it was the ONLY right way and because both my parents believe in God…. the Two by Twos must be wrong.
*God must be strong enough to handle the questions and doubts of His creation.

And then over a few years, I rescinded my decision to study all religions and decided that the Bible was really God’s word.

The Two by Twos do not welcome questions or deviation, though. They demand childlike faith (Not the endless-questioning kind of child! The kind of child that follows trustingly wherever they’re led.) strict adherence to dress code, study and questions only within subject matter that is approved… and strangely, discourages discussion of spiritual topics outside of assigned times. Those people who have a Bible but are not part of the Two by Twos are “lost sheep” and lamented, but not chased, though if repentant, you can be “welcomed back into the fold.” Other churches are wrong and people there are not Christian and are going to Hell.

Naturally for me, a child Christian born of questioning parents, I began wearing pants most of the time and pierced my ears, not so much as a rebellion (okay, it was a rebellion) as to make a statement that I was confident of my salvation even though my Dad and my Dad’s church believed I was lost. I stood on my own faith from a very young age and it didn’t match my parents’.

Moving on.

My mom eventually gave up on going to church (and on reading her Bible as I learned later) though I could find my dad studying his Bible every morning, writing in his tiny handwriting. The way my parents made space for me to find my own way was appreciated. Watching my dad with his Bible was endearing. But finding a belief system or church was challenging. In my teens sometime, I began going to church every other week with my friend’s family. I also went to some youth groups irregularly. As soon as I could drive and I was released from the requirement to attend the Two by Twos, I drove myself to church every Sunday, attending a church that my friend’s family went to.

I hopped into a new fire there!

I spent my teens attending Household of Faith in Gresham, OR… the church pastored by the father of Joshua Harris, author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It was a large-to-me church of primarily homeschooling families. I learned a whole new set of social norms here that I assumed my parents agreed with (though I learned later that they didn’t). My questioning was not squashed here, but always, everybody assumed I would agree with them if I just studied it the way they did. They believed in predestination and I think all of the Calvinistic beliefs. They valued children such that small families got an eyebrow raised at them. They supported homeschooling so well that they excluded the validity of any other schooling option. Dating was sinful as well as any physical connection between interested parties. Courtship was the only way to go. Parents played a huge role in their older children’s lives.

And….. I went without my parents. I drove myself. I sat with my friend’s family.

And that meant that I was “other” somehow. Again. Didn’t fit in. Too independent.

At social events, I was excluded by my peers. Eventually, as I began to enter adulthood, my “Sunday family” even refused contact with me any more and wouldn’t let me spend time with their daughter any more, never you mind that their daughter was also entering adulthood! (I won’t get into this story here, but we eventually invited that daughter to move in with us against her parents wishes in order to make the transition to adulthood.)

I can’t remember when I realized that Household of Faith was unhealthy. I can’t remember when I stopped attending. But I still carry built into me, feelings of righteous judgement and deep-set shame for anything in myself or others that deviates from the image they built of what is a good Christian. I was soaked in the modesty culture, courtship culture, etc. etc.

What is a good Christian? What is a good church?

I exited my childhood with a strong faith in God being good, in God being real, and in the Bible being truth… but without a faith community that supported me. Instead, I had been a part of multiple communities that looked sadly, patronizingly, and disappointedly down at me, imperfect and lost and (alas!) unfit. I was rejected. I was not a lost sheep. I was a blemished/faulty sheep. It was and is a deep wound and I resent/ed it. Bitterness has been a tenacious root that I continually deal with. And I developed a deep distrust of faith leaders who claim to have found the best way. That seems smart. Also, when a preacher says something that I disagree with, I run away and don’t want to hear another sermon. That is not a healthy response.

But time went on. My story continued. I still believed that I could find a church community. The Bible preaches grace. And hope. And the concept of each believer being a part of a body… the head is Christ and we are all loving and caring parts of the body. And we are not designed to be cut off from the body of Christ. So I didn’t give up. Surely, we could find a church that could love us, even if it wasn’t perfect.

My boyfriend/fiance/husband was part of a very small church that welcomed and loved me until the day I began dating Brian. Both he and I were challenged when we started dating… his reputation was stained and I was rejected. We continued going to his family’s church every other Sunday while we attended a small, broken church of broken people on the off weeks. We were openly accepted and welcomed at that small country church. Also, my parents supported and welcomed my relationship with Brian. They knew a good thing when they saw it! Brian’s parents were openly against our relationship, because they didn’t believe I was good enough for him and they thought he should complete his college education before we married.

We persisted. We rejected the rules that had constrained us and caused us to be unsuccessful socially. We separated ourselves from our parents (in many ways, not completely), married and started a home together. We learned how to budget, work, go to school, make house, etc. We were poor and didn’t know it. I don’t remember if we were still going to church, but I think we were still driving way down from Portland, OR to Colton, OR to worship and learn with Timber Valley Church. (Hello Timber Valley friends!) We were tired and busy like only young people can sustain!

To be continued….

Summary: Beekeeping supplies for two full 8-frame hives with primarily foundationless frames and accessories. Condition is mixed.

I’m going to list the “buy it new” price so I can figure how much to ask for it aged. Getting prices primarily from www.mannlakeltd.com

Hives:
Top covers: 1 standard ($35), 1 fancy copper ($70), 1 aged wooden (?)
Inner covers: 1 standard ($18), 1 Vivaldi board with screen (~$25)
Medium Boxes: 5 normal (2 are in unused condition) (~$100)
Queen Excluders: 2 plastic (both are messy with wax) ($8)
Deep Boxes: 2 normal, 1 from a Flow Hive (has windows) (~$60)
Spacer: 1 Slatted Rack ($20)
Screened Bottom Boards: 1 in okay condition, 1 in questionable condition (~$28)
Hive Stands: 2 ($32)

Frames: Mostly foundationless except for the ones that came with purchasing bees in NUCs. Most do not have comb. Some have never been used.
Deep frames: 19 (~$40)
Medium Frames: 31 (~$60)
Drawn comb on deep frames (stored in freezer): 7 (~$21)

Extras:
Hive tools: 3 (~$24)
Frame Rack: 1 ($8?)
1-way Escape Lid: 1 ($16)
Honey bucket with gate, 5-gallon: 1 ($15)
Plastic filters to fit honey bucket: 2 ($14)
Waxed Cardboard NUCs: 3 (one is filled with wax moths – oops and yuck) ($25)
1/2 Quart Tung Oil (~$9)
Mouseguard:1 ($5?)
Bee escapes: 2 ($6)
Icky Burlap sacks: 2 (?)
Frame grip: 1 ($10)
Bee brush: 1 ($7)
Bee Suit hood, goes down to chest, has armholes ($20?)
Bee hat (possible mouse urine spot… does not have strong smell) (?)
Cheap mosquito hats for kids observing beekeeping: 5 (?)
Beekeeper gloves: Medium ($20)
Swarm Catcher ($20?)
Smoker…. missing a piece (?)
Top feeders: 2 ($50)

Price new: $750+
For sale: $200

Again – but with pictures:

From top to bottom:

Top covers: 1 standard, 1 fancy copper, 1 aged wooden

Inner covers: 1 standard, 1 Vivaldi board

Medium Boxes: 5 normal (2 are in unused condition)

Queen Excluders: 2 plastic (both are messy with wax)

Deep Boxes: 2 normal, 1 from a Flow Hive (has windows)

Spacer: 1 Slatted Rack

Screened Bottom Boards: 1 in okay condition, 1 in questionable condition

Hive Stands: 2

Frames: Mostly foundationless except for the ones that came with purchasing bees in NUCs. Most do not have comb. Some have never been used. Only took pictures of these I cut the wax off for the honey.
Deep frames: 19
Medium Frames: 31
Drawn comb on deep frames (stored in freezer): 7

Extras:
Hive tools: 3

Frame Rack: 1

1-way Escape Lid: 1

Waxed Cardboard NUCs: 3 (one is filled with wax moths – oops and yuck)

1/2 Quart Tung Oil

Mouseguard

Bee escapes

Icky Burlap sacks: 2

Frame grabber

Bee brush

Bee Suit hood

Bee hat (possible mouse urine spot… does not have strong smell)

Cheap mosquito hats for kids observing beekeeping: 5

Beekeeper gloves: Medium

Swarm Catcher

Top feeders: 2

There is something that happened when I began living with other people I’m responsible for. I don’t remember noticing this as a child or in my early marriage either. It began when my first child was born.

It seemed like every time I tried to do something, it affected me/her badly. If I tried to cook, she would wake up and cry. If I tried to shower, she would scream. If I tried to nap, she would wake up… crying. It paralyzed me… I couldn’t start anything without it being interrupted.

Then my second was born. Then my third was adopted. Then my fourth was born. And now my fifth is adopted.

Naturally and imperatively, I learned to live within a world riddled by interruptions. But there is a kind of interruption that still paralyzes me. It’s when the things I do cause others to be upset. As a mother of kids who have experienced trauma and neglect, part of my caregiving involves sitting with kids while they experience the fear and pain and panic of PTSD. It involves supporting and guiding them as they come out from their trauma brain and toward healthier responses to life. As a mother of children with autism and sensory processing disorder, I am often parenting kids who are distraught due to everyday life experiences that are just too overwhelming for them.

Even with all my experience, I’m still paralyzed all the time! Vacuuming excites one child, terrifies another, and irritates one more. Using the blender (essential, because two of my kids eat a pureed diet) worries one, hurts the ears of another… and terrifies a third. Zoom classes…. oh, zoom classes! The pressure to be ready and “on camera” at a particular time paralyzes and panics one child! The printer turning on is stressful. The toilet flushing is sometimes stressful. The shower curtain being too close to the toilet is stressful. A cabinet door being left open is stressful.

I don’t know why I’m sharing. It’s just been a difficult morning after a difficult afternoon yesterday and I’m tired and need to write. Because I pushed through and did some blending. And it was awful. And my chore list is so long, but I am struggling to begin.

I wrote the title so that I sound particularly wise and experienced. We homeschoolers need all the positive public image that we can garner… to make up for our bad haircuts and yoga-pant-wearing lives.

Oh, that’s everybody right now?

Hello pandemic! Welcome, friends, to homeschooling!

I’m Rachel and I’ve been a homeschool mom for about 8 years. My oldest just completed 7th grade and I mother and homeschool five kids, with a variety of personalities and special needs, between the ages of 7 and 13.

If you just want to see what I’ve been doing for homeschooling, click here.

This blog post was written to introduce newcomers to homeschooling and I hope some of the practical suggestions make life easier for you. But before I start, here’s the heart of the message:

You can do this.

You are absolutely qualified and capable of pulling off homeschooling. I believe it wholeheartedly, even if your situation isn’t ideal. For proof, I offer my own situation. I’ve had chronic pain and fatigue for years and two of my five children have severe disabilities. Even so, every single year when we revisit our schooling options, homeschool comes out on top. I am not anti public schooling… I am pro homeschooling! The benefits, both academic and social, are huge, and it is vastly easier than distance learning!

No, every moment isn’t wonderful. But there is a freedom of decision and a genuine vitality of relationship within our family that is priceless. Also worth noting: Both my husband and I were homeschooled and we are both successful college graduates with healthy relationships with our peers. My fashion sense is questionable, but that’s not because I was homeschooled. My mom did try.

Okay – this post is long. I made chapters, so that you can read as little or as much as you are interested in. I’ve included practical suggestions throughout and included a list of curriculum options at the end as a jump start.

8 Been-there-done-that Homeschooling Thoughts
1. Homeschooling is better and easier than distance learning!
2. You are qualified and capable of teaching your child.
3. The lifeline to challenging seasons is prioritization.
4. Organize ahead of time to set up for success.
5. Not all learning happens in a classroom.
6. Curriculum choices are custom made for your situation!
7. If a subject is making you and your child pull your hair out, it’s okay to take a step back.
8. Relationships, emotional health, and family integrity are priority one.

1. Homeschooling is better and easier than distance learning!
I get breathless when I consider distance learning, particularly with multiple children or while working! Several friends have told me about it and… the number of hours and the amount of multitasking that’s going on is enormous. It’s unsustainable for both parents and children! No grade-schooler is ready to hold down a job for five or more hours a day and they will struggle to do school for that long too! When kids are in a successful public school environment, they are not applying themselves every minute! There are easier ways to educate than distance learning.

First perk to homeschooling: It takes less time. Preschoolers and kindergarten don’t need more than 30 minutes a day… and that’s broken into sessions. As they learn to read and follow directions (Learning to sit down for school is a skill too.) you can spend a bit longer, but I wouldn’t have them doing focused schoolwork for more than an hour a day until after 2nd or 3rd grade. Think only an hour a day is crazy? It’s pretty common for homeschoolers to finish “doing school” comfortably before lunchtime and studies show that homeschoolers test ahead of the curve on average. Maybe the minimal learning time is because so much learning is done outside of “school-time” and kids at home have the freedom to explore. Or maybe it’s because the quality of study is higher in a controlled home environment.

Second perk: You set your own schedule. Make it line up with work-from-home. Make it line up with when ballet class meets. Do schoolwork in the morning. Or in the evening!

Third perk: You control the material! Hate the common core math? Ditch it and go back to real math. (My personal preference is showing!) Your daughter is advanced or interested in a particular subject? Buy programs that highlight that. Son learns best with visuals? Get the curriculum that teaches with a multimedia approach. Have multiple kids and are exhausted by keeping up with multiple teachers and programs? Choose a curriculum that was prepared specifically for multiple ages at once. Homeschooling is far more efficient and customizable.

Fourth perk: Your school plan is reliable. Normally, public school is reliable. This pandemic thing has really made a (usually) good program into a chaotic mess. If you need one year of predictability during this in-school, out-of-school, distance-school, heaven-help-us pandemic, homeschooling is a remedy for that. If you’re in a district with difficult teachers or problematic bullies, are dealing with ADHD or other special needs, are struggling with negative social dynamics for a particular child… homeschooling gives you a way to remove the problem and focus on healing and growing. (How many here would have like to have been homeschooled during middle school!?)

Fifth perk: There are curriculum options that can overlap multiple age groups at once, making a “one-room-schoolhouse” teacher’s job more efficient and relaxed.

Realistic expectations: Prep work during the summer takes some time and energy. Also expect that the first few few weeks of school will take some adjustment. There is a learning curve for both kids and parent(s). At the beginning, kids will need the most support and have the most questions. Go ahead and prep your kids for a mixture of excitement and frustration at the beginning. Go ahead and only start one subject a week if you want. Or buy everybody ice cream for finishing the first week. After awhile, you’ll have a rhythm and things will be predictable. The kids and life and work will still have ups and downs, but the school routine can become pretty predictable after awhile. Not everybody loves homeschooling, but it’s a pretty great option.

2. You are qualified and capable of teaching your child.

Listen, I’m a special needs mom. I have special needs and my kids do too. We don’t always get along. My oldest is going into 8th grade next year, so the material is becoming much more challenging. I don’t get a medal for being the ideal homeschool mom! But, you know what? Nobody knows my kids better than me. And nobody knows what your kids need better than you. You see and know your child/ren most and you are uniquely qualified to head up their education.

Intimidated? I do love schoolteachers and their education prepared them to teach children with every learning style and to manage large groups of students with disparate backgrounds, cultures, and personalities. But you don’t need all of that to homeschool. To homeschool, you have to guide just a few children who (whom?) you know very well. How? You take your parental insight into your child/ren and you start to make a list of what they need to be successful. A little math? A little reading? More time in the outdoors? Learning to care for a pet? Some kind of sport or physical outlet? You don’t need to write the math program or run the sport, though you can if you want and can. You’re more like the general contractor, organizing and supervising the process. Make some lists. Keep reading… I’ll get to more nuts and bolts later.

The curriculum available to purchase online comes in every format imaginable. Textbooks, workbooks, vidoes, hands-on projects, in depth studies around interests, just small bites, and curriculum for parents who want/need to hire help in the form of a pre-organized curriculum. There are programs for the organized and regimented teachers (me!) and programs for teachers that like to follow the twists and turns of ever-evolving interests. There have been great programs developed for teaching subjects in a multi-sensory approach, with lots of hands-on activities and videos, and foods, and field trips. And there are programs, equally as great, for people who prefer a more stationary approach, with reading, reports, workbooks and the occasional youtube video.

There are so many options, that your task is not to develop a great curriculum, because that work is already done. Your job is to choose which one or ones to use. I’ll talk more about this later, but you can make a list of the subjects your state/district/school covers (In Washington, there’s a list of 11 subjects), choose which subjects you’re doing that year (all or some), and then start searching online for curriculum created for your child’s grade and that subject. Cathy Duffy Reviews is a good place to get a reliable review on a product. Keep in mind that a single program might actually cover multiple subjects, so you should never need 11 curriculum programs to cover 11 subjects! It shouldn’t end up costing you much, either, because of subject overlap and also because many programs can be used by multiple kids at once.

I just want to highlight that you know your children better than anybody else. And you know where the everyday struggle will probably occur when you homeschool. I have kids with autism… there are definitely struggles. Heck, I’m an introvert home year round with five children! I have to be intentional about my planning for this to work! And some days/weeks/months/years are hard. But with where I am and with who my children are, homeschooling has been the best choice, even during hard times. Allow yourself permission to think this through and spend time organizing so that you can be as successful as possible. Take that extra time with setting priorities before you start implementing anything.

3. The lifeline to challenging seasons is prioritization.

There is never enough of you to go around. When you look at your family as a whole, it’s important to watch that nothing is so heavy that the ship sinks. Especially when the daily grind is challenging, you have to be careful to care for yourself. Prioritize school appropriately… not too high or too low. Because homeschool lasts for months on end, it’s worth the effort to think about the different parts of your life and prioritize.

When I’m figuring out how school fits in the order of prioritization, I split the subjects into more and less crucial by asking these questions:
Which subjects are most important to me and my kids? (Example, one child needs to keep up with math especially, another especially needs reading, etc. etc.)
What are my state’s minimum homeschool requirements?

The answers are so different from family to family and state to state. But, I’ll try to articulate a bit of my own prioritization process so that you can see an example.

Rachel’s super-informal school-related priority process:
1. My personal health (things like exercise, sleep, life-giving hobbies and going for walks alone.)
2. Creating and following a predictable daily/weekly schedule.
3. Judging the overall family stress level to make sure the plan is sustainable (Leave room for rest!)
4. The essential household chores (laundry, food, dishes)
5. The chosen core school subjects (It’s usually reading and math for us, but this year it was math and history.)
6. Extra curricular activities and external social connections. (Ballet, taekwondo, grandparents, cousins, friends, phone calls, etc.)
7. The rest of school (Social studies, Grammar, Cooking, Spelling, Penmanship, etc.)
8. Etc.

We do break the cycle with mini vacations now and then. Video games all day for a day? Sure. Watch MythBusters all day for a day? Fine. Drop it all and go to the park? Definitely. You know what will be a good pressure release for your family. Do that.

Important fact: Not every subject has to be done every day or even every year! Also, many subjects can be combined.

If you already have created a long list of subjects and curriculum… and it looks like too much, do a little Marie Kondo and ask what is most important to you. Sparking joy is a little much to ask for grammar, and you do have to suffer through some things, but let her general process guide you. For example, nobody in my house is going to be forced to do formal grammar lessons every single year, so that helps. Also, we chose a history curriculum that covers history, reading and social studies with one program. Once, I started an awesome spelling program and it made everybody crazy, so we stuck it right back on the shelf after a noble effort and haven’t regretted it one bit!

Prioritize! Don’t do it all every day or even at all. Take care of yourself and your family first. Stressed out kids don’t learn anyway.

4. Organize ahead of time to set up for success.

This is my personal favorite part! I love to plan and prepare and shop, so this is all the fun part for me. I get way more enthusiastic over every subject than my kids, but that’s okay. 🙂 It is worth it to prepare ahead of time, especially if it’s your first time. It takes awhile to sort through all the subjects and curriculum options to find what you need. If you’re a relaxed, go-with-the-flow, lover of surprises, you’ll still benefit from having prepared. Preparation looks different for everybody, but it’s an investment with high return.

In case you’re a list-lover me, this is roughly how I prepare each year:

Now/Spring:
a. List kids, then list state requirements. (Washington State’s list of subjects… makes a nice guide for me.) Note the 1-2 subjects that are highest priority for each kid.
b. Go through the subjects with YOUR family in mind. What’s the ideal format? Hands on or not? High parent involvement or low? In depth or overview? All subjects included or each subject purchased individually? Targeted to multiple ages or just one? With my brood of five and my fatigue levels, I usually look for programs that have low parent prep required and can be completed semi-independently. This step makes choosing curriculum more efficient. If you have no idea… probably choose something inexpensive with good reviews. Then you can scrap it and try again if you get something you or your kids hate.
c. Shopping time! I start searching online for what I imagined. Google search and Cathy Duffy Reviews are my friend. Take notes on what you want (saving links to make it easier if you can), but finish your list and review it before purchasing, because if you’re like me, your stack of curriculum will be way too tall and you’ll wish you could return some stuff.
d. Review that beautiful, imagined school year by looking at the details of the specific curriculum you plan to buy! How many days a week is each curriculum assuming we’re working on it? Will it take 10 minutes or 2 hours to do each lesson? Did I over-commit my children in my enthusiasm? Is it a curriculum I must finish or one I’m okay with just getting as far through it as we want? Keep in mind that little kids don’t need more than 2-3 formal subjects and big kids even wear out after 4-6 subjects a day. Is the price tag more than you can hack? There are great inexpensive options… and great expensive options too! Find what works for you.
e. Order and collect it all in one spot. This is our school shelf and I LOVE filling it up in the spring with exciting new stuff:

Late summer:

a. It’s important to prep a daily schedule/rhythm/pattern so that everybody knows what’s expected and when. It can be loose or rigid as suits your family (probably somewhere in between), but it’s the lifeblood of living together long-term. Our daily schedule centers around when they’re allowed in the kitchen (or as I say, “when the kitchen is open.”):

Morning chores
School
Snack
School (if there’s any left)
Lunch
1-2 hours quiet time or outside time or finish school or journal, but definitely leave mom alone
Afternoon snack
More free time
Evening chores
Dinner
Screen time hour
Bedtime

b. I type and prefill a weekly planner for each child that shows how much they should do each week so that they don’t get behind. If I figure this out at the beginning of the year, I don’t have to rethink it every week. We write the lesson numbers down as we go… or even prefill that week’s page on Monday morning with that week’s assignments. Older kids can fill them in themselves as they study. These make handy school records! I keep them in a binder and just keep putting the new blank ones in front every week.

c. I personally also like to type a document that shows every subject and every lesson for the whole year. We mark these off as we go and it’s a helpful visualization as the year goes on for where we’re at, what’s left, and what’s next. It takes awhile to type it, but even just preparing this helps me feel prepared.

So – Organize! Prioritize! Set up some sort of system to lean on, so that you don’t have to remember everything all the time.

5. Not all learning happens in a classroom.

Unless it makes you happy, there is no need to model homeschool after a classroom. Homeschooling can be minimalistic very comfortably. We have a school shelf and I splurged and got an electric pencil sharpener. I only force kids to use a table if they’re practicing penmanship. No time is spent on a bus, lining up, or waiting for Jessica to find a pencil. It’s very efficient and little kids usually need less than half an hour of formal schooling. Older kids don’t usually spend more than 3 hours working on their schoolwork and sometimes are done within just one hour. I haven’t hit high school yet with my oldest, but homeschooling is so intensive and efficient that the kids can only take in so much each day. I mean, think about it. Even if you’re busy with folding laundry and keeping the toddler from destroying the universe, it’s still an incredible student:teacher ratio.

Little kids will learn their colors, numbers, and letters without a lot of formal effort. They’ve got a big job just learning how to learn. Settle into that and don’t rush. Just paying attention and following instructions is a skill set little ones don’t have. Capitalize, in all ages, on the natural learning. If a child wants to learn something, they are going to learn it a thousand times faster and better. If somebody is interested in caterpillars, load up a bunch of youtube videos on caterpillars, order one of those butterfly kits and send them outside to draw pictures of bugs. The amount of information they absorb while exploring is immense and the value of self-directed play is priceless.

Let kids be bored. Schedule time for them to have to figure out what to do. Figuring out how to manage unstructured time is a great skill. Learning to make their own meals is a great skill. Letting them browse amazon and make endless wish lists of impractical toys will be the fuel for them learning to make and spend money.

Live life together. Play outside often. It’s the good stuff.

6. Curriculum choices can be matched to your and your child’s personalities/needs/styles.

Every curriculum is as individual as the people who developed it. Some are very time intensive but are wonderfully sensory rich and give hands-on connection to interesting fields of study. Some are very dry and terse but get to the point and allow you to move on. Some are loosely organized and others are fully structured. Some curriculums are “all-in-one” and include facets for every subject under the sun, giving you a wonderful framework, but may have too much content and not allow much flexibility between learning or teaching styles. There is basically… every possible option.

Try to imagine what you want. Feel incapable of doing that? Then, allow yourself to make a best guess. Maybe you’ll love it. Maybe you’ll scrap it and have to start again. Just start. Start small or start big, but start. If it’s early in the summer, ask friends or read reviews or browse curriculum websites. There are many excellent programs out there and I’ll share some of the well-reviewed curriculum choices so that you have a place to start. I personally prefer to choose different publishers for different subjects, based on my preferences, but many of my friends feel more comfortable choosing a program that is all-in-one. Both are good options.

My personal learning style loves is a multi-sensory, hands-on, and interest-led program with lots of clear visual presentations. However, I tried teaching that way and it just won’t work for me! My teaching style is different. It’s very organized and methodical with very little hands-on. It’s okay to have limitations! You can balance your personal limitations with a curriculum that supports your teaching weaknesses.

My kids have a variety of learning styles. One loves to gather loads of information and will read and read and read, even if the material seems dry to me. One struggles sit still or pay attention to anything that is repetitive. However, she can take a subject she’s interested in and go much deeper than any of the others. Some children are better communicators and some are better at more concrete skills. Again, I can choose curriculum that best supports their learning style (without making me crazy) and which emphasize the subjects that are most needed or valued for us.

I encourage you to let yourself swim in the sea of options for awhile without pressure. If you get overwhelmed, ask an experienced friend or email me. I enjoy talking homeschool! I’ll list some curriculum options at the end of this blog post. I’m not getting paid and I don’t know how to monetize a blog, so it’s just one mom’s feedback.

7. If a subject is making you and your child pull your hair out, it’s okay to take a step back.

Something I’ve learned is that sometimes kids aren’t ready to learn something… even if the schedule or grade level says they are. Some kids are late readers. Sometimes kids aren’t ready for algebra, even if the rest of the class is. Just because a subject is supposed to be learned in a particular grade, doesn’t mean that a child is ready to learn it. On the flip side, sometimes kids are ready for material way ahead of time! But who says it’s time? Who are you measuring against? When you homeschool, you get to nurture your children right where they, as individuals, are at. When they’re ready to learn something, they’ll learn it without heroic efforts on your part or theirs. Like walking… they walk when they’re ready and we support them when it’s time. Sure, some kids need a nudge or a hand up, but rarely is there misery in the proecess. That concept holds for most of a child’s development.

I want to illustrate this with an example from our family with math. One child was doing fine with math at first. But then, a few months in… she wasn’t. She was hiding that she was skipping lessons and getting lots of wrong answers when they tried. They began to hate math and avoid it. We sat down to try it together and it was a struggle. They just didn’t get it in any intuitive way. Our family does not have margin for drawn-out battles. We had plenty of other healthy things and school subject we could spend our mornings doing. We shelved the math. Months went by. The next summer. We picked up that math the next fall and the kid WHIZZED through it! She skipped every other lesson, because it was so easy for her. Is she behind? A little. Did it make her feel like a million bucks? You bet. Does she feel confident that she can learn math? She does now! All because we waited. For what it’s worth, when she did her annual standardized test, she tested at slightly above average for her grade in math. And six grades ahead in language arts.

Kids don’t learn in a steady, gradual manner. Like everything else they do, it’s in spurts. No need to fight that. Try to relax and enjoy the ride.

8. Relationships, emotional health, and family integrity are priority one.

Finishing on a strong note: Social development, unlike homeschool stereotyping, is one of the greatest strengths of homeschooling. And it’s not just because kids don’t have to ask to go to the bathroom or conform to institutional necessities for the bulk of their waking hours! The social rules they have to conform to at home, with friends, and at any classes you sign up for, are far more normalized to the real world. We are far more relational with our children than a teacher has freedom to be, and there is a drastic reduction in “cliquey” behaviors. I can sometimes recognize a child who is homeschooled by how comfortably they interact with me as an adult. Homeschooled kids spend their days with people who know them, interact with them with respect and interest. Shy or not, homeschooled kids are more practiced at navigating social and emotional situations genuinely and with honesty.

This hits on something important. Academics learning information about the world is valuable. However, nothing is more important than our relationships with each other, our emotional health, and your family’s integrity. If your family falls apart and everybody is yelling at each other, nobody is going to learn fractions. Putting your individual and your family’s well being as the number one priorities sets you all up for success. We learn to trust one another and respect each other. Negative self talk can diminish in the face of the love an confidence of a family that sees and hears you. It’s a beautiful foundation for success!

If you need to back off of academics, because family life is a mess, then back off. Take the time to pull yourselves together. Do what you can do as you find your footing. Hire that counselor and cancel the stressful activities you should have done some time back. Sit down with that budget with your spouse and make a date with each other with a nice dinner on the back porch or on Saturday mornings. Talk through the impact of the pandemic with your kids. Be real with each other. Set some goals together. It’s not as easy as just good intentions, but it is a good place to start.

Later, after your house is propped up a bit, you can begin adding schoolwork. It’s more important to learn how to live than to learn anything else.

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Curriculum ideas:

I review what we use every year but from here on down, it’s just me talking about what I’ve used… it’s not exhaustive by any means.

Here is a list of some of my favorites I can recommend without hesitation, listed roughly by grade level.

Kumon Workbooks for early learners and kids with special needs who like hands-on practice with tracing, coloring, mazes, folding, pasting, stickers, etc.
Brain Quest Workbooks for early learners who need easy access to tracing letters, counting, matching, coloring, etc.
Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons – hands down, my favorite learn-to-read curriculum. Bite-sized lessons that are easily adapted as you go along. A really well-done phonetic approach.
Singapore Math US Editions for Kindergarten through 2nd grade – These are fantastic for learning early math and helping kids conceptualize math. Is more advanced than other curriculum with the same grade level. Is chunked somewhat by subject (adding, subtracting, multiplication, fractions, geometry, etc.) so if your child gets bogged down, because it’s too hard, you can hop over to another section for awhile.
Handwriting Without Tears is my favorite curriculum for teaching how to write letters.
Teaching Textbooks math for any age, but I started at 3rd grade – This is a wonderful computer-based math program that successfully teaches math. The questions are checked and recorded automatically so the parent can review easily. Every single question can be explained, step by step if you click the button explaining it. It does NOT use weird common core and teaches methods familiar to all of us.
Christian Light Education Reading for reading kids 1st-3rd – This is an approachable program that incorporates reading alone, reading aloud, practice remembering what is read, handwriting, grammar, and a bit of spelling practice through learning phonics. Might be great for older kids too, but I love it for all that practice following instructions and reading comprehension with pleasant stories and approachable workbooks.
IEW Writing – Once I figured out how to use it, (a challenge, because I skipped their creme de la creme… but long parent training DVD) this was fantastic. I don’t try to teach writing until 4th grade or later, so we just got this and it’s been great! Worth every penny. We
Sonlight History programs – If you or your kids love to read, I can recommend the Sonlight programs for history. We skip some of their material and just do the: History nonfiction, historical fiction, and Bible reading. I also set it up so that the kids do all the reading instead of me reading any of it aloud. It’s probably better if the parent can do the readalouds, but that’s how we made it successful for us.
Growing with Grammar is my favorite grammar program! The kids don’t hate it and that’s impressive for grammar. It’s a little advanced compared to others. I decided to just offer it to the kids at 1-2 years younger than their grade every other year or so and it’s been a painless process. The program is well laid out and communicates the material well.

In general, I can recommend the following publishers of homeschool material. They’re well spoken of by either the homeschooling community in general or by myself. Doesn’t mean they’re a good fit for you, but it’s somewhere to start. Many have a heavy Christian leaning. If that’s an issue, take a look at reviews (such as on Cathy Duffy Reviews) to see if you can use it or not for your family:
–Sonlight Programs
–My Father’s World Programss
–Apologia Science
–Christian Light Education
–Abeka
–Institute for Excellence in Writing
–Heart of Dakota
–Supercharged Science
–Alpha Omega Publications
–Easy Peasy – All in One Homeschool
–BiblioPlan
–Handwriting Without Tears
–All About Spelling
–Wordly Wise
–Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons