Dreamseekers and Company

It felt good to rest his weary feet. They’d been roaming up and down the endless hills since sunrise, leading their woolly charges to grass, water, and safety. Now the dusty ground felt luxurious beneath his tired bones. His brother might spend the evening gazing in wonder at the starry sky, but Hassan was a simpler man. A cool drink, the stale bread, and a patch of turf mostly free of stones. These were his comforts. Small sounds of settled animals. The smell of dust, sweat and sheep. This was home. When they went to town, people watched them suspiciously, or turned up their noses. Who needed them? Hassan liked it better out in the hills anyway, though it was lonely.

A crack of thunder made him drop his meal. A jagged line of light split the sky and a roar of sound pressed him down. It was like nothing he’d ever imagined. A high and wild song. Then quiet for moment. His heart was racing and his breath was short. A tremendous loud voice, terrifying, and yet seeming on the edge of laughter, spoke,

“Don’t be afraid! I have good news. God has come to dwell with you. Go and find Him!”

Hassan was simple man with little time for religion. Keeping his sheep alive and his belly filled was his business. But those words and that voice shook something loose in his soul. A longing he’d always had and could never name was suddenly a heartbreaking ache. He was seized with wonder and desire. He jumped to his feet and yelled “Come on! Let’s go!” No longer weary he ran like he had not since he was a young man. Down the long hills, and up again, and down again, his brothers laughing as they followed after. They knew where to go without knowing why.

They fell down in a breathless sweaty heap just outside a stable on the edge of town. They crawled into the dimness on their knees because they were already on the ground, because shepherds don’t mind the dirt. They saw a wonder. They received the light of heaven. It was wrapped in something as mundane and unremarkable as a baby wrapped in rags. A baby born to poor people, people who couldn’t afford anything better than the stable. They didn’t understand it all but they knew what it meant. The Messiah had come and He’d done something miraculous to them.

The message to shepherds, poor carpenters, young girls, wealthy scholars, and to us: “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” Emmanuel, God is with us.

Not organized particularly well, but here are many photos from October and November!
Maggie turned 10 and her party was a blast.

I need to write.
I have so many thoughts circulating and so many memories drifting out of range and so many photos I’d like to share. I feel heavy with it. I’m not sure what will come out when I start… most likely the heaviest things first. They tend to come first.

Probably my uncle Glen and our family’s health are heaviest for me right now. Then there’s stuff like homeschooling and parenting and special needs and fun adventures and crafting and the rest of life.

My uncle Glen had a tiny piece of metal fly into his head through his eye socket a few weeks ago. That would have been bad, but it also hit his carotid artery, causing catastrophic bleeding in his brain. So we’re waiting to see if he can wake up and if he does, how much he can wake up. I’m just heavy with loved memories of Glen and grief of imminent loss. The family has been amazing in caring for him and staying by his side all these days on end in the ICU. Please pray for his life partner Geneva and his siblings and mama especially?

Health….
Brian has polycystic kidney disease. Did you know that? It’s starting to cause issues… the cysts in his kidneys are getting larger, uncomfortable, and are increasing his blood pressure. Eventually, they’ll compromise his kidney function and probably cause more pain. He’ll probably need dialysis and eventually kidney transplant someday. And this makes me sad. We’ve been able to ignore it for many years, but it’s beginning to be a present issue, instead of a future one. Brian also has some unknown GI issue… he’s lost some weight (didn’t need to) and has had constant gut issues for over two years now. He’s gluten free and dairy free and low salt, without a great deal of improvement, poor man. Wish I knew what was wrong and how to make it better.

I have been having troubling symptoms with my joints and increasing levels of chronic pain and “brain fog” that have limited my activities and capacity. Last week, I was diagnosed with Hypermobile type Ehlers Danlos Syndrome or hEDS. (Long description and short description) It’s a connective tissue disorder that for me… means painful partial dislocations, chronic headaches (sometimes severe and with accompanying nausea), chronic fatigue, and being easily injured. People with a variety of EDS types refer to themselves as “zebras”, because it (connective tissue disorder) causes many comorbidities over time, or “new stripes.” So far, I have only identified and been diagnosed with dysautonomia/POTS, which causes low blood pressure issues (like not being able to bend over and stand up without being careful of near-fainting and nausea), fatigue, and brain fog. Oh, and headaches. For some people, these are progressive… and each of my flares has been progressive so far and that scares me. Some people have to use wheelchairs sometimes and the chronic pain and fatigue are not fun.

Jordan… needs a low priority follow-up echocardiogram. I’d skip it entirely, but it’s past due. But he has to be sedated to do it. And that means coordinating all his other sedated stuff for the same time. And doctors try to be nice and easy to coordinate with, but they aren’t. He’ll need dental care, bloodwork, ear wax cleanout, and echo. And then there’s the sedation bit where they have trouble keeping him in the bed and don’t let me go back to the OR with him, even though it really is in his best interest for me to do that. ABA is going well and I’m excited about that.

Daniel’s got stuff to schedule – follow-ups for Cardiology, Nephrology and Endocrinology. And a big long trip in the spring to Delaware for treatment of his feet.

Maggie appears to have the same connective tissue disorder as me. I’d take her in to be diagnosed and have treatment guidance, but there actually aren’t doctors that work with people like us around here. The one doctor in Portland that worked with EDS patients has a 3 year wait list and just closed her wait list. Soooooo, that makes it much harder. Not sure where/when/if we’ll go.

I’m just tired. So tired. My number one goal lately has been to manage stress well and to reduce stress. Because it exacerbates everything that’s challenging.

So I’m cooking simpler, being kind to myself inside my head, resting when possible, and trying to craft and get outdoors, because all those things breathe life to me.

That’s all for now. I’m planning to post pictures of the kids and the LIFE happening in our family soon. Maybe later this morning. Jordan’s calling and I want to wear something besides pajamas today.

Until I was 30, I didn’t have experience with burnout. And I didn’t get a trophy when I did, either… so if you haven’t walked these roads, I would encourage you to not come. 🙂 I have spent the last six years learning how to live with, deal with, recover from, and respond to burnout or it’s near presence.

I am mid-burnout right now. I cannot usually write about it when I’m experiencing it… but this time, at least this morning, it’s not accompanied by the blanket of heavy depression. This morning is the most energetic and the clearest-headed I’ll be today. And I want to try and talk about burnout, because I shared my symptoms on facebook yesterday and multiple people have reached out to me personally with a kind word and even a few offers of practical support. Thank you.

Burnout. So. Stress. That thing that happens in our bodies when things are challenging. It can be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual challenge. It can be a mild stressor, causing just a figurative increase in heart rate… such as Daniel repeatedly interrupting me as I try to type this. It can be a moderate stressor… either a combination of needs at once or a larger stressor. Let’s see, an example of moderate stress for me would be taking Daniel to a medical appointment. It takes more time, causes more worry, requires more mental energy and leaves me tired afterward. Then there is significant stress or severe stress – an event that, regardless of how long it lasts, causes all systems to fire, to burn hot, regardless of how much gas is in the tank. Maybe it’s bad news or a hospital stay or an emotional breakdown or an injured child. (edited to add: There is also traumatic stress. Stress, by which it’s very nature, I am unable to bear/process and which may or may not leave the residue of PTSD. I don’t want to talk about that right now.)

Then there is the combination of stressors. If you’re an adult, you will understand this by experience. The breakfast needs to be made. The children need to be dressed. The diapers need to be changed. The garbage needs to be taken out. The prescription needs to be reordered. The child needs driven to the class. The homework needs completed. The bills need to be paid. The floor needs to be vacuumed. The yard needs to be mowed. The diaper needs to be changed again. The snack needs to be prepared. The groceries need to be purchased. The meals need to be made. The broken heart needs to be soothed. The argument/meltdown/cat fight needs to be responded to. The literal cat needs to be wormed. The dogs need their nails clipped….. the list goes on. And the wear and tear of everyday life needs to be managed so that there is time to breathe, to step outside, to do something creative or life-giving to yourself as an individual.

But… here’s the rub. My life (and I know I’m not alone), has been characterized by moderate to severe stress on a daily basis with an unusually high daily stressors load…. for years. Getting my first job was my first introduction to heightened stress that I couldn’t easily say no to. Giving birth to and raising my first child introduced me to around-the-clock caregiving needs. And when my fourth child was born and I had little to no support system back when I was about 30… well, I have struggled to find ways to reduce the stress to manageable levels. I’ve been rather unsuccessful, actually. The stress load HAS been TOO MUCH. My body is absorbing the cost. My mind and spirit and emotions show the signs. I developed depression, began a slow and inexorable weight gain pattern, have painful and migrating inflammation in my joints, developed anxiety, have sensory aversions, succumb daily to mental fog and low energy levels, and frankly, I struggle. This blog is being written, because I had a great weekend, started the week feeling amazing… and subsequently overdid it. Tuesday evening, I couldn’t hardly speak or eat, my brain felt numb and it was difficult to sleep. It’s what happens when I stretch… because I no longer have reserves.

The last six years have provided opportunities for empathy and understanding and growth of wisdom. I have spent lots of time learning strategies for healing and being successful while under prolonged stress. I’ve hired counselors. I’ve taken antidepressants. I’ve fought to make time for exercise. I prioritize sleep at night. Brian and I make time for connection. We say “no” to a lot. And I give myself grace and acceptance for what is broken and what isn’t done. Even important things that aren’t done. And I pray that this is just a season. Our Taekwondo master regularly says that he wants to live to be triple digits and encourages us to live so that we can reach triple digits too. But… I don’t want to. Each day feels a victory. Each day, I’m proud to have made it another day and done it well, or as well as I could. But I would love to lay down my burdens and go to Jesus, to find rest.

Interestingly, and as an aside, in my quest for health, I’ve been listening to a few sermons when I am alone in my space… just knitting. And I’ve started a sermon about peace. The peace of God that passes understanding? And I’ve chosen the word Joy for 2020 and had it confirmed by the Lord. Just this year, He’s given me Hope. Hope when I don’t feel hopeful. Hope OF hope?

Okay – things are getting hairy around here. I need to dress and shower and go to the bathroom and talk to the girls and change a diaper and some other things.

I walk the edge of burnout daily. I have for years. I have hope. We’re not the giving up sort. We fall and we hurt. And we collapse and we weep. And when we can, we get up again.

Brian comes home to work from home this afternoon, because I asked him to and he doesn’t have in-office meetings. If you’re praying for us, pray that he can find a position that is even more supportive of telecommuting.
Tomorrow, I go to an adoptive women’s retreat. If you’re praying, pray that my anxiety will be low and my mind would be clear. Pray that the time will be restorative and that, even apart from Brian’s leveling presence, I will maintain mental health and even grow in closeness to the Lord.
Pray for my children – they are my greatest pride and need their mama.
Pray for my health… the weight gain and inflammation make it hard to exercise… which helps reduce inflammation and weight gain and improves my mental health too.
Pray for my husband – he is my greatest support and he feels the weight and needs restoration as well.

I’m not sure the purpose of writing this now… just to explain? To acknowledge the realities of my life? To show where I am, so that someday I can rejoice in how far I’ve come? To encourage somebody else also walking these deep roads… you are not alone and you are God’s pride. Just keep walking.

He is the God who sees. He sees me. He sees you. He loves you. He’s not the giving up sort either.